Another Loss

Jack,, Ron and Elaine; the three oldest children of the three Hadfield Sisters ("The Hadfield Girls")

Last Saturday night, while I was on my computer talking to Pat on FaceTime my landline rang. "What could this be?" I thought since it was too late for my daily robo call from Credit Card Services of America with my "last chance" to transfer my credit card balances (which I have NONE) and lock in my rates.  Every day folks, I get that call and when I try to tell them to take me off their call list they hang up on my right away.  The "Credit Card Services of America" is a scam which I'm afraid I will have to live with the rest of my life.  They will never die.  Unlike the phone call I received.  

The call was from Arlene T., my cousin Jack's wife.  She told me that Jack had died as a result of going into a coma after his open heart operation.  He was on a ventilator but I know Jack and he wouldn't want to be kept alive this way.  Arlene told me that they took him off the ventilator and he died.  Jack was only 76 years old.

Cousin Jack (I will miss you) - 2005

Jack was the oldest son of my Mother's sister, and my Aunt Grace.  I liked Jack.  Jack dying was yet another reminder of my mortality.  

A few years back Randy R. died.  He was also my first cousin and the son of my Mother's other sister, my Aunt Jeanette.  I liked Randy.  He died in his sleep.  

Cousin Randy (I will miss you Randy) - 2005

Ten years ago I took my Mother to visit her sister Jeanette who was in the dementia unit of Simpson Meadows in Downingtown.  At that time we had a mini Hadfield (my mother's maiden name) reunion.  The occasion was the funeral of my Uncle George, husband of my Aunt Jeanette.  Little did I know but this was the last time the "Hadfield Girls" (as my cousin Jack liked to call them) got together.  

(from left to right - Mrs. Brookover (my friend's mother); my Mom, my Aunt Jeanette and my Aunt Grace - 2005
All gone now

I have two sides to my family.  My father, a purebred hillbilly (oh yes, hillbillies exist) from the mountains of western North Carolina.  And then my Mother and her Quaker roots.  My Mother's family was very poor, but of a genteel class.  I attribute my mixed up personality to these two, almost totally opposite roots.  Hillbilly and Quaker, picture that in your mind.

My Mom and my maternal Aunts Jeanette and Grace - the three best aunts this gay boy could have - 2005 at the Simpson Meadows home - my Aunt Jeanette had severe dementia but she knew my Mother

So anyway folks, what's the point of this post?  Just another sad marker in the limited time I have left on this earth and that I intend to make the full use of that time.

My Mother and maternal aunts with their three oldest children standing behind them - Jack's wife Arlene is to the far right - 2005

Yesterday Bill and I visited an old friend of ours, Bart R. No last last because Bart is still in the closet if you can believe that.  Bart is 93 years old now.  Bart moved down here to Delaware because of the low taxes and to be near Jim and Bob, who were much younger than Bart.  Bob died last year and Jim is in assisted care.  Jim doesn't even remember what he had for lunch yesterday (Bart relayed this information to us).  Thank goodness Bart still lives in his own home.  He is fortunate that he has a good neighbor that looks in on him and makes sure everything this all right.

Bart at his home yesterday with Bill - Bart fell and broke his hip earlier this year (about the same time I fell and tore up my left leg) 

Not to dwell on this subject but lately I've been thinking of all my friends and relatives who have died in the last five years and it sometimes becomes overwhelming.  I try not to think about this too much lest I sink into a depression.  As I have mentioned so often before in this blog, I do not fear death.  To the contrary, in a way I look forward to it because I do know it will be an Eternal Rest.  The only thing I fear is how I get there.  I don't want a prolonged, painful and humiliating death in which I am dependent on someone to go on existing.  Governor Brown in California signed a right to die bill which gives me even more impetus to eventually move to California while my two legs can get me around.

Bart is fortunate that he has a neighbor to look in on him.  I fear that if and when Bill goes before I do (he just turned 87 but is in fine health), I will be alone,  totally alone.  I have my friend Pat but he is in Toronto.  I have no one else.  I am estranged from my two brothers (because I dared to get legally married) and their families and I wouldn't want their help anyway.  Why would I want to put my burden on their families?  They have their own lives to live.  

Well, anyway.  These are the thoughts that occasionally are going through my mind while I play online Scrabble, or plant spring bulbs outside.  I remember when Audrey Hepburn was informed that she had only so long to live.  She went outside and planted spring bulbs (much like the Bette Davis character did in "Dark Victory"), knowing she would never see them.

Geraldine Fitzgerald and Bette Davis in "Dark Victory" - the scene in which Bette's character realizes that she will die soon because she feels the heat from the sun on her hands as she is planting the bulbs but she realizes her sight is gone which was when the doctor told her she would die

Yep, that's me folks.  The Drama Queen thinking the same thing while I'm planting my spring bulbs this year.

Today is a beautiful autumn day.  I think I'll take Bill for a ride up to the Primehook Nature Reserve later today.  Each day folks, I plan to make the most of it because I never know when I no longer will be able to do that.  When I injured my leg this year and couldn't get around for weeks, that was a preview what my life would be like if I feel and broke my hip and was dependent on others just to live.  Thank goodness Bill was here to take care of me and I didn't have to go into a rehab center for those eight weeks it took me to walk.

I'm rambling folks.  

Have a great day!

Open 24/7

Jay at Ron last summer at the Villa Sorrento restaurant in Lewes, DE

This was my friend "Jay."  While Jay (not his real name) was alive he asked me never to publish his picture on my blog. Jay died last November so I guess he doesn't care now.

Yes, this is yet another posting on the subject of Life and Death.  Lately I have begun to realize that I am not immortal.  If you're a regular reader of my blogs you'll know that recently I had two consecutive blood tests with a high PSA score.  A good friend of mine is now undergoing radiation therapy for prostate cancer.  I may (or may not) have prostate cancer myself.  My next step in this procedure is a visit with my urologist which is scheduled for October 21st.  In the meantime I am reevaluating and tidying up my Life.

I have never forgotten what another friend of mine told me years ago when he was diagnosed with incurable pancreatic cancer.  His doctor told him "Get your life in order.  You have four to six months to live."  How would you like to have a matter of fact pronouncement like that slapped in your face?  I was with my friend when he cleaned out his desk at work.  He never came back to work.  He was dead six months later.  He was 48 years old.  I have never forgotten how stunned he was and how all the life went out of him.

Well, I"m not at that point yet folks.  I assume that once the digital exam is done to me by my urologist I will go back to my happy and carefree ways.  However, I am preparing just in case.  One thing is for sure, if I do have cancer I have decided not to take the route that my friend Bob C. is doing right now - fifteen weeks of radiation, five days a week.  I'll go for the radio active seed implant, no matter how humiliating it will probably be to get them implanted.  I've been humiliated before, one more humiliation won't make much of a difference in my life.

Face with this scenario all kinds of things are going through my mind.  I'm thinking a lot about things that I want to do before I become unable to do them either because I'm physically unable, tied up with treatments or just plain dead.  Curiously, I'm not all that concerned about being dead.  To me once you're dead, that's it.  It's like you go to sleep and never wake up.  No dreams of course.  No, I don't believe Charleton Heston God will be waiting for me sitting on a golden throne in the clouds in his white toga at the gates of Heaven.  Just ain't going to happen folks.  Sorry to disappoint all of you True Believers.

I'll tell you what I do fear though, a long and lingering painful death dependent on others for my basic life functions.  If I'm ever in that situation that's when I will get religious and pray for a quick death.  That to me is not living.

All Saints Cemetery, Beaverdam Road, Angola by the Bay, DE

Now that I rehashed those thoughts that have been swirling around in my mind, let me tell you what I did today.  Bill and I left early for the All Saints Cemetery on Beaverdam Road at Angloa by the Bay.  That cemetery is one of the loveliest in this area and it has been relatively untouched by fellow Find a Grave members.  We spent about two hours this morning while I took 870 pictures of grave headstones.  I will spend the next three days (or more) posting the inscriptions on those headstone to my Find a Grave account along with the pictures of the headstones.  That my friends is what gives me peace these days.

Back to my friend "Jay".  Jay and Bill used to stay in constant communication by phone.  Jay stayed overnight here once in the spare bedroom I had for my Mom (which she never got a chance to use before she died last September).  Last October the calls from Jay stopped.  Bill was hurt at first because he thought Jay had dropped him as a friend.  We knew Jay was sick.  He was wearing a bag after having part of his colon removed.  I told Bill that Jay was probably in the hospital.  As time continued and we heard nothing from Jay I assumed the worst.  A couple of weeks ago I stopped at his friend Ed's house in Rehoboth Beach to inquire about Jay.  Ed confirmed the worst.  He said Jay's condition had worsened and he was in a nursing home.  He said Jay got very depressed.  He lost the will to live.  The day before he died, Ed said Jay was informed that Medicare would no longer cover his costs.  Jay died the next day.

• The good news is I'm not depressed. 
• The good news is that I've lived a long time.  
• The good news is that I will be 70 years old in a month. 
• The good news is that I've lived a long and good life and have been very fortunate.  

Sure, I've had a few disappointments but for the most part I've done pretty good for a poor boy of average intelligence and education and looks.  I have no complaints.

Funny thing, the song that is playing now on my Playlist is "Just a Little While to Stay Here."

So, now I'll get back to posting my treasure of photos that I took this morning at the cemetery.

Have a great day!