Loneliness

Perhaps the most pervasive fear that human beings have is loneliness. The most severe punishment in prison is to put a prisoner in solitary confinement. Yet there are those in life who are not in prison who live in circumstances that are just about as lonely as solitary confinement.




Lately I’ve been giving this more thought because a couple of my friends have died. My circle of friends is shrinking. My Mother and a good friend are still alive but they are sinking into the fog of dementia. Their bodies may still be here but their minds are gone. I can no longer talk to them. They are no longer the friends I had. Each day they drift farther and farther away from me.



I do not fear death but I do fear loneliness. I had expressed in an earlier blog posting that perhaps I missed having children. However, upon reflection I realize that I probably wasn’t temperamentally suited to having children. Maybe that was God’s plan for me because He knows what I’m like. I am really way too self involved with myself.



Every Saturday night I watch a Netflix rented movie in the comfort of my bedroom (my personal movie theater.) Last night I watched “Asylum.” It is about a psychiatrist's wife (Natasha Richardson) encounters an inmate (Marton Csokas) at a maximum-security asylum and finds herself curiously drawn to him. This movie was about loneliness. The psychiatrist’s wife is lonely. Even though she is married and has a young son, she was lonely. Almost everyone in the movie, including the character Ian McClellen played, was desperately lonely. This movie was well acted but very sad. This is a movie that lingers in your head long after you’ve seen it.

Earlier this week I checked in an elderly couple at the hotel. The lady told me that she had married her high school sweetheart…..many years after they were married to someone else. She told me the story of how they dated in high school but became separated during World War II. Both of them married other people and had families. Both of them eventually lost their spouses. Through a class reunion they met up again fourteen years ago and began dating again. They were in the hotel celebrating their thirteenth wedding anniversary. This is a wonderful story. This couple won’t have to spend their autumn years alone. They conquered their lonely problem although I did not they requested the room with two queen beds. Obviously their relationship was more about other issues than sex.



I’ve been very fortunate in my life. I met my Prince Charming when I was twenty two years old. I wasn’t looking for a Prince Charming or anyone to settle down with. I came out late (at 21 years old, still a virgin) and was ready to sow plenty of wild oats. Prince Charming (aka “Bill”) said he understood that I was a young guy and “had to get it out of my system.” Up to I was thirty seven years old I had a pretty active social life. However, on one Saturday night standing in a bar in Philadelphia at closing time when they flicked the lights on and off, indicating Last Call, I decided that I had had enough of the social life. The time had come for me to settle down. The charm of Nightlife in the Big City had faded (thank goodness.)

The years since have been one of mostly tranquil domesticity. Of course there have been some “speed bumps” in those forty six years together but we’re still together.



In our forty six years we have raised five Pomeranian dogs, lived at five different homes in three different states, and now are settling in for the Final Act of our life. The odds are that I will be the one left alone (Bill is 81 years old.)

As I see my friends die and drop out around me it becomes more apparent to me everyday I may be faced with living my remaining years alone. I’m way past my bar hopping days when I was out to meet that certain someone to spend the rest of my life with. That just isn’t going to happen. For one thing I’m just too old. I would probably fall asleep on my feet as the big hand on the clock neared midnight. I’ve had my experiences with guys I met in the bar (with sometimes near disastrous results) and I have no intention of going down that road again. And I’m certainly not going to be a Sugar Daddy to anyone. I’m not that rich and if I was, that isn’t my style. Been there done that. It doesn’t work, believe me. All one is asking for there are lies, betrayal and heartache. As I said, Been There, Done That.



I wonder what some of my single friends handle their loneliness or even if they consider themselves lonely. They’ve been single their whole lives and seem to be doing well. Perhaps I will go back into that mode. For a short time before I met Bill, I lived by myself. From the time I got out of the Army in January of 1963 to July of 1964 I lived alone. For the most of the time I was alright but there were times that loneliness caught up with me. At times I felt like I was going crazy. I would be in my one room efficiency apartment in Coatesville, PA and think “Is this all there is?” I knew there had to be more to life. Then I met Bill and my life took on a real purpose. Our life together has been one of sharing, supporting, loving and living life as two compatible like minded souls. I’ve always considered myself one of the Lucky Few to have met someone like Bill. Some people go through their whole life and never meet that special person. I’m not one of those people because I did meet my special person.



I’ve often joked with Bill that I’ll “check out” before he does. Then I wouldn’t have to face the problem of loneliness. But then one never knows what surprises life has in store for me. I just hope I don’t end up like those characters in that movie last night.

You Think It's Easy?

Bill and I have been together 45 years. Some friends ask us “How do you do it?” Well, I’m here to tell you that it is not easy. It is ALWAYS a work in progress.




What happened this morning is a perfect example. Bill wanted me to show him how he could get into his Facebook page. He has never been able to get into his Facebook account on his own. I’ve always had to show him.



Where he has the problem is he receives notifications of activity in his Facebook account by e-mails sent to his AOL account. With AOL you have to copy the Facebook notification and paste it into the browser. Bill has never understood the cut and paste commands of Microsoft. Simply put it is “Control C” to copy the HTML string and “Control V” to paste it into the browser. Bill cannot connect those dots.



So this morning Bill shows me what he is doing and wants to know why it isn’t working. He paints the HTML string in his e-mail notification and hits “Control C.” So far, so good. But here is the problem. He puts his mouse in the browser and hits “Enter.” It doesn’t work. He gets frustrated and starts yelling at me. I try to tell him that he has to position the cursor at the beginning of the blank area in the browser and hit “Control V.” But, he won’t let me get that far. He cuts me off. He says “Wait!” “Hush!” I say “Bill, I’m trying to tell you how to do it.” He says “Shut up! That’s why I don’t like to ask you because you always do this!” I said “What am I doing? I’m trying to explain to you.” But, he cuts me off again in the middle of my statement.



This goes on for several minutes, escalating into yet another shouting match. He turns off his computer, and goes rushing out the house slamming doors on his way, yelling “Leave me alone!” Now he won’t speak to me for at least a day or more. The length of the silent treatment depends on how mad he is. The length of time could be as little as two days to two weeks.  It ends when I make the first move.  Yes, I have to apologize.  That's the only way we will resume our relationship.  Bill never admits a mistake.  He has the George Bush syndrome. 



I’ve known Bill for 45 years. I have lived with Bill for 45 years. This is his pattern. When we met I was 22 years old and he was 35 years old. He was the “daddy.” He had all of the answers (or at least thought he did.) Early on in our relationship I almost always deferred to him. But as I grew older and gained more knowledge, especially in fields that Bill had little or no knowledge I didn’t defer to him. When we entered into those areas in our relationship, Bill would mock them as unimportant and “not worth anything.” Even as I built a successful banking career (in back office operations) Bill would denigrate my work as “silly office work.”



Now granted Bill has many talents. He built our sunroom in PA from scratch. I wouldn’t even know where to start. He is an electrician. He is a plumber. He built our brick wall and patio in PA. In short, Bill can do a whole lot of things that I can’t do. I am not mechanically inclined at all, Bill is. My “talents” are in other areas. I can cook. Bill can’t. I’m an excellent gardener. Bill is not. I can write. Bill can not. I’m a photographer. Bill is not. In short, we compliment one another in our skills and interests. I've always felt that was a big plus in our relationship.  However, it does not come without costs.



But here is the problem, with the new technology Bill finds himself having to ask me for directions. He hates to ask me for any kind of knowledge that he doesn’t have. After 45 years of denigrating my skills and knowledge, he finds it very difficult even to admit that he isn’t the expert in some areas.



For many years he even used to mock me for my use of a computer saying “I don’t know why you waste your time with a computer.” He said I wasn’t spending enough time with him (his usual complaint in our relationship.) I moved my computer from my home office to the kitchen so I could spend more time with him. That wasn’t good enough. The computer was banned back to the basement.



It wasn’t until a few years ago he discovered that the computer could be of use to him. Gradually, over the past few years I have taught him how to use the computer. He can open his e-mail and send e-mails. He does it in a rather convoluted way but it gets done. He also can scan the Internet. All this knowledge didn’t come without a lot of angst and frustration though. Teaching Bill to do anything requires a great deal of patience because of his sensitive ego and having the “kid” (the “kid” turned 68 years old last week) teaches him. One thing he has never mastered though is the cut and past command of Windows. He’s never had his Helen Keller Moment (“The Miracle Worker” scene with the water pump and bucket.)

So back to real time now. Bill just took off in his Jeep for who knows where. He’s mad. He’s frustrated. He knows that I’m trying to help him but his ego prevents him from accepting my help unless I somehow figure out to get that information to him so he thinks he figured it out himself. He wants the information but is incapable of hearing it from me, The Dummy.



He’ll get over it. He always does. But in the meantime I will have to endure yet another period of the Silent Treatment. This is where the “working on the relationship” comes into play.



Recently I had an e-mail from a friend of mine. She was depressed because of her living situation with her husband (her 5th.) She said she wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. That, to me is going to the extreme. I had another good friend of mine who committed suicide because she was going through a period of depression and felt there was no way out. A permanent solution to a temporary problem. I suggested to my friend that if she felt her husband really loved her then she should try to work it out. She should try to get through the bad period of their differences. I've had 45 years of experience in this area of relationships.  I find that if you really care for one another you can get past these temporary situations, even if they keep repeating themselves time and time again.



No relationship is perfect (except for perhaps the Ronald and Nancy Reagan relationship.) If your wife, husband or partner is worth it (and mine is), then just plow through the situation. Try to make it better the next time.



I care a lot for Bill. He needs me. I need him. I will never find another soul mate like him in my lifetime. When something like this happens (and it always will), I just think of how lucky I am not to have a partner like another friend of mine who I visited earlier this week. His partner has 160 personalities. He said “And that’s just the ones that I know about!” Can you imagine? Now that is something that would drive me over the cliff. No thanks. I’ll take Bill anytime, stubborn, super sensitive ego and all.

The Meeting

This afternoon I had a meeting with the owner of the hotel where I work. The hotel manager also sat in the meeting.



It was a very frank meeting. "Frank" means that we said what was exactly on our minds. I asked why an ad was placed in the local newspaper for my job without telling me. I was told that the ad wasn't for my job but applied to the whole hotel staff. I said "That isn't the way the ad reads." But I was told again that it applied to the whole hotel staff. The ad was placed to "get our attention." Mission accomplished. It got our attention. This was the proverbial two by four between the eyes to get the mule's attention.



The owner expressed his concerns in a frank and forceful manner. He was concerned that in today's economy, the hotel staff appears to be too lackadaisical in their attitude towards their job. He also expressed concern about my lack of confidence in performing my front desk duties when he is around.



I told him that I'm nervous when he is around and will holler at me if I make a mistake. He has done this before and I didn't want a repeat performance. His concern is that the hotel doesn't project the best image in today's competitive environment where quality of service is the difference in getting bookings or not getting bookings. I agreed with him and assured him that I would address this problem I have being nervous when he is around. I told him I wouldn't pay any attention to him but "do my thing" and if he has a problem with what I did, and then tell me about it later in private without the histrionics. I warned him that if he did holler at me I would call him down on it immediately.



I understand his concern. I have the same goals he does, increasing business for the hotel. My goal is to provide the best service money can buy for all the guests of the hotel.



I told him that I am not a replica of him and thus would not be providing the same wording and manner in dealing with the guests that he would but that I am competent and quite capable of doing my job if left alone without someone watching over my shoulder.



At the end of the almost hour long meeting, we shook hands and parted company with what I felt was a more understanding and respectful manner. However, I still do not agree with the method of placing an ad in the paper to get our attention. I told him that it was personally humiliating for me. I was reassured again that the ad was not to replace my job personally but that all options are open. Fair enough.



I go to work again next Saturday and Sunday. Watch out, a new and more confident Ron is on the barricades.