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| Bill in Pennsauken New Jersey, 1966 - our first "home." |
Each day is better than the previous day. Sure, I still miss Bill. I miss him a lot and I guess I always will for the rest of my life. But I feel I'm entering a different phase of my grieving and acceptance now.
For fifty-nine years Bill has always "been there" for me. When he was away on a job assignment for months, he always came home to me. When I was away on those many one, two or three-week vacations I took to Provincetown, Palm Springs, Canada or Philadelphia, I always knew he was at home, waiting for me to return.
All those years I commuted from Downingtown to Philadelphia for my job at the bank where I worked many years, Bill was always at the train station waiting for me to take me to our home.
All those times of our temporary separation, when we would be together again we would share our stories. And I would catch up on the mail, one of the more mundane aspects of our separation. For you see Bill was our home handyman and I was the home house manager. We had an ideal partnership in sharing a life and a home together. If I needed something fixed around the house, Bill did it. A new sunroom? Bill would build it. How about a new brick wall in front of our house? Bill would build it.
Grass needed mowed? Bill mowed the grass. I accidentally put my foot through the ceiling above the kitchen sink while roaming around in our attic? Bill would fix the hole my leg created and drywall it. Or dry ceiling it.
Bill could do anything around the house except cook and manage the bills to keep Casa Tipton-Kelly going. And, this is the biggie, Bill was my constant loving husband. His love for me never wavered. Not once in fifty-nine years.
Bill didn't want to leave me but yet he was so exhausted and just couldn't push his ninety-five year old body any further. He not only didn't want to leave me because he loved me but because he always felt the need to protect me.
I didn't love Bill when I firsts moved in with him in February of 1965. I liked him, he was a friend. But over the years I grew to love him only to realize that I loved him when I was going to leave him once over some inconsequential argument. I don't even remember now what the argument was about. But when I told him I was leaving, he paused at what he was doing at that time which I think was digging a trench for the water runoff at our property in Pennsylvania. He looked the ground then slowly raised his head and with his eyes looking directly at me he said "Please don't leave me." Then I realized "What was I thinking? I can't leave him. I would never be about to sleep at night not knowing where he was and how he was managing his life. For you see, that's when I realized that I was Bill's whole life and he was my whole life. How foolish I was!
From that time on I never again considered leaving him, for any reason. Even when he had his strokes over three years ago and eventually became a shell of the person he once was. Even though his body began to fail him his love for me never did. He loved me right up to his last breath on February 24, 2024 at approximately 12:30 AM early Saturday morning.
I am lonely now. Profoundly lonely. But I will go on with whatever years I have left.
I do not fear death. I never have really but now even more so, because I know one of two options will happen when I too pass on from this life. Either I will descend into a bottomless, black void or I will be reunited with Bill's soul. Either way I win because this sadness, pain, and sense of loss I feel now will end.
Until that time comes, I am taking Bill's advice he gave me a few weeks before he died. He said he felt "different." He said "something's happening." Then he said he wanted me to enjoy my life and he was glad Pat was in my life. He said what he so often said all the years we were together, "I want you to be happy Ron."
I will do my best to live out my life doing things I like and "be happy." But I will never be as happy as I was with my life with Bill. Bill, my rock. My steady force. My protector.
All Bill ever wanted from life was for us to be together. He was a homebody. He liked his projects. He liked flowers. He loved his dogs. But most of all he just liked being with me and I with him.
God bless you Bill, wherever you are now. If there is a God, I know we will be reunited when I die.
10 comments:
You and Bill shared a wonderful life together, a life of unconditional love.
The days ahead will still be difficult, but Bill's memories will be with you, heloing you through just as he always has been by your side.
You were both blessed.
Hugs,
~Jo
What a great testament to you and Bill's steadfast relationship.
With distance comes perspective.
You will never forget Bill and his steadfast love for you and all the good and bad times you had together. I read that you are realizing there is life after Bill. Yes, there is. May you find what makes you happy. Remember progress at your rate in grief, not what others expect of you. Do you!!
Jo (A Brit in Tennessee),
Each day is getting easier but I realize now that I will always miss Bill. He will always be with me. Someone told me that the price of true love is the pain of the loss that I feel now. I will never feel full complete again. I am so thankful that I had Bill's love for so many years of my life.
Ron
Vic,
I am making progress in my grief over losing Bill in my life. This is a new reality for me that I never experienced. I knew it would be bad but not this bad. But each day does get easier, thank goodness.
Ron
Ron, I am sorry for your loss of Bill.
I used to follow your blog back in 2016 or so, but found other interests, and occasionally would check in to see how you guys were doing. By reading your blogs, both you and Bill became my gay "superheroes" in ways that kept me peaceful with myself and a sense of warmth and love. In March of 1997, I lost my best friend, Tom, through suicide. We only knew each other for about 6 years, but what fun and joyful those years were. Tom, like you and Bill, was not religious, really an athiest, well Tom was a former Christian. After Tom's suicide, I was in a deep state loss for a while, but eventually accepted his death and accepted his suicide as an answer to his aggressive cancers. I leaned not to judge people through our relationship and his suicide. He was 64 when he died and Tom was 24 years older than me. I still miss Tom and it varies day to day.
Will you "get over" Bill's death? No. Reading you blogs over the years and knowing how long you men knew each other and your ages, it really is impossible. I always saw Love in my superheroes lives as you wrote your blogs. Are you in grief counseling?
After discovering your blog, I wanted to know where you lived in Delaware, and it's not really too far from me. I'm in Bethlehem in eastern Pennsylvania about 3 hours away. A former co-worker vacations in Ocean City, Maryland and says the drive down to OC really isn't too bad.
One day at a time. You figured that out quickly. From where I am I think you are adjusting very well. With spring comes warmer days and more sunshine and we will all feel alot better. The upcoming visit with Pat and returning to Ontario with him for a look-see visit will bring with it a new focus on life. I think I see a change in you already. I think I have seen a glimmer of a smile trying to return to your face. You'll be surprised how much better you will feel once the last of the stress leaves you. Keep well and stay steady as it goes. Be careful, be safe, be happy. So says Woody in Ohio
Joel,
Good to hear from you again Joel! i was wondering what happened to you? Glad to know you're still around. Yes, I will always miss Bill. I am finding each day getting easier to deal with Bill's death. Still hard to believe he will never be in my life again. But he was really suffering at the end of his life. I hope he is in a way better place now. One thing I am sure of, he is no longer suffering.
Thanks for your comment Joel.
Ron
So says Woody In Ohio
Always good to hear from you Woody. Yes, each day is getting a little more bearable realizing that Bill will no longer be in my life. I will always miss him terribly especially at our special times like our daily ride. And then there are the unexpected reminders. I was going to clear out his room but I decided to leave his room just as it was when he left it. His ashes are in that room although I sense his spirit has flown. I had a feeling his spiri/soul was with me last week but once he saw I was going to survive without him, he took off to wherever one goes after one dies. We will all find out won't we? Like my late brother John said shortly before his death, "We all get our turn Ronnie" and indeed we do. In the meantime I'm going to make the most of what time I have left.
Always wood to hear from you Woody. You understand.
Ron
After my Bill passed away I felt lost at first. With time life became better especially when I moved to my new place. His son and daughter were not very pleasant, so it was time. I love this funky old house I moved to, even though it is larger than I really need. I can do whatever I want in the house and yard. I hope you are doing well.
Postcard Cindy,
I too felt lost when my Bill passed away. However, as each day goes by my life is resuming a livable pattern again. I don't feel as lost. I will always miss bill of course, but this is my new life. Scary at first but reality. I still have momentary setbacks though and I probably will the rest of my life. It is still hard for me to imagine living my life without Bill since he was in my whole adult life.
Thank you for your kind comment. I hope you continue to do well.
Ron
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