Another Early Morning

 

This morning I was up again at 4:30 AM and couldn't get back to sleep. 

My normal sleep pattern is going to bed around midnight (or later) and getting up to start the new day at around seven or eight AM. That sleep pattern has been totally disrupted since Bill died.

I do go to bed earlier. Not by choice but because I am so exhausted by 8:30 PM or later. So I am getting my regular seven or eight hours of sleep. And I do like getting a head start on the day.

Yesterday I spent the whole day removing Bill as my beneficiary from my bank and E*Trade accounts. I was also on a Zoom call with my friend Glenn, who has given me plenty of good advice how to avoid probate. I'm ready to go at anytime now since Bill is no longer in my life and I don't want my beneficiary to have any headaches accessing my accounts. 

I'm also ready to go back to work at the hotel. That might be awhile yet because I have to wait for an opening. Having a part-time job gives balance to my life and I can now use the extra cash.  Bill's Social Security payments, modest as they were, helped to contribute to our household expenses. Also, I want to resume my traveling with Pat. Something we did quarterly before COVID and my caretaking for Bill knocked my world askew.

I'm still grieving the loss of Bill. But I have to admit each day is getting easier but I know I will always miss him the rest of my life. That pain in my heart will never completely go away. When I dwell too much on missing him, I balance those thoughts with that he was really suffering the last few years of his life. His eyesight was gone, the swallowing problems he had and his weakness. He wanted to go yet he didn't. Wherever his soul is now, if there is a soul, at least he's no longer suffering those physical infirmities that he had to endure for so long during his last days here in this life.