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| "DIG" Magazine, my favorite reading material when I was a teenager. I remember this cover, oh how I wanted to win this guy as my slave! |
Three main reasons why I blog:
1) THERAPY
I found that writing about myself and my view of the world is the best therapy from keeping me from going crazy.
I've been blogging since 2005. Prior to blogging I kept a journal nee diary (which I still keep). Prior to keeping a journal (which I wish I had started when I was a teenager) I had multiple pen pals. Oh how I loved my pen pals. At one time I had over sixty pen pals mostly from the United states but also a few foreign pen pals (Japan and Germany).
I've always been interested in other people's life experiences and have had a desire to express my life experience to others who I thought were as interested in my life as I was in theirs.
But overall I found that blogging or writing provided a release for my bottled up emotions. I'm like that pot of boiling water on the stove with a lid on it. Keep that lid on and I boil over. I need to take that lid off occasionally so I don't boil over.
2) MAKING FRIENDS
Like many teenagers, I was lonely. Growing up introverted because of a mentally and verbally abusive father I had low self esteem. I didn't feel I was worthy of real life friends so I found pen pals a way to have friends without those "friends" having to see me in person. Me with the big nose, too tall for my age and too skinny. Me, who my father constantly reminded me was a big disappointment to him because I was "stupid". Me, who my father called me by his name for me "Beak". I don't think he ever called me by my real first name the whole time I was growing up at home. Never. When I saw an ad in "DIG" magazine for pen pals I quickly answered it and viola! I had friends. Mostly girls (which was all right) and some guys. No gay pen pals though although I suspect one guy in Wisconsin was a pubescent gay but back in the Fifties, the very regressive Fifties how was one to know? All I knew is he liked to talk about designing dresses for women which was my desire at that time too. Believe it or not, when I was growing up I wanted to be a women's fashion designer. I still have an eye for women's clothes (they should look comfortable on a woman). If I had more self confidence I would probably have followed my dream of being a fashion designer. One thing I know for sure, I could design more fashionable (and comfortable) clothes than many of the designs I see today.
And of course another aspect of "making friends" was even at twelve years old I was looking for Prince Charming. I too was an awakening pubescent male with hormones just beginning to stir. Mainly what I wanted was a very handsome man like Guy Madison ("Wild Bill Hicock") to come in and sweep me away to Living Happily Forever Land. Alas, I had to settle for watching Wild Bill on TV in his tight buckskin outfit with fringes and his raspy sidekick Andy Devine.
3) LEAVING A MARK
We all are here only a short time (I'm over extended at eighty years old now, Gravy Time) and I've always had this desire to "leave my mark." That my existence mattered. Of course it won't matter at all to me when I check out (die) but right now and for most of my life I have struggled with "how do I leave my mark?" I have no discernible unique talent unless you consider survival a talent, and maybe that is. But there are a lot of people who have survived under much more difficult circumstance than your humble blogger here. I figured if I wrote about my life that maybe someone, like me, hundred or two hundred years down the road will read my blog and say to him for herself "Ron sounds like a nice guy, I wish I could have met him." In other words, proof that my life mattered.
We are all unique in this world, every one of us. I am always so grateful that I have this forum (blogging) that I can do all these things.
I have made friends. Some I have even met in person and they are splendid people. Not once have I been disappointed when I have met someone through my blog. Of course the most prominent example is Pat F. of Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. I am convinced that we were the same ectoplasm in a previous life just because we have so much in common. And the irony is that he isn't a regular blog follower. He happened to see my image on the Internet when I was testifying before the Delaware State Legislature for Marriage Equality and he looked me up and found my blog. That was in 2013 and we've been best buddies since. He comes down here in a week to visit me and help me for my first cataract surgery visit. I haven't seen him in person for two years. It will be good to see my friend Pat again. He is truly a unique person who I would never have found if I wasn't blogging. Meeting him alone is worth all the years of blogging I've done.
I've met Spo in person. A perfectly splendid fellow. Sean ("Sassy Bear"), a joyful guy who makes all smile who are fortunate enough to be in his presence. I even met Fearsome Beard (through Spo, Fearsome doesn't follow my blog), oh my what a nice guy. Others I would like to meet someday. Walt in France but that seems unlikely. Then there are the regular blog followers I have now. Victor, Jim, Jon, Joel and Woody in Ohio. Some come and go over the years. I'm always sad when I don't hear from them anymore. Did they die? Did I say something to cause them to head for the EXIT door? Or did I succeed in boring them too? Anne Marie of Philly used to be a fan but something I did pissed her off and she was gone like a puff of air. Oh well, I moved on.
Now through the years of my blogging I've had to make many adjustments in the way and what I write about. More than a few times I've stepped on some sensitive toes. I've always divulged private information which I should have kept to myself out of respect for the person I was writing about even though they have passed on. Family members are easily offended and don't like having a queer write about their father he seduced him (I was a willing participant). These days I try to avoid writing last names lest I embarrass the surviving family members who in reality deserve to preserve the memory of their father (always men) who was the boy scout leader and respected church elder and not the eighteen year old fellow soldier who was looking for a blow job. Oh the stories I could tell but those stories will go to my grave with me and only a few selected friends will know those "details."
Then there are also the people I have outed (both male and female) who, upon second thought I should not have done. I'm not a believer in outing people, that's a decision they should make, a private decision and none of my business. I daresay I have permanently alienated more than one person where I am not welcomed into their homes now because I outed a family member who prefers to live their life in the closet. Yes, even to this day there are closeted gays as unbelievable as that sounds. Must be a combination of self hate and a desire to live a "normal" life.
I've permanently alienated all the gays here where I live in southern Delaware (Rehoboth Beach). I've written more than once they're a cliquey self serving group who are not welcoming other gays outside their clique. Took me a while to realize that but as Groucho Marx said:
So I will continue to blog as long as I can. Time is running out but I think I still have a few good years left that my brain is functioning even though my body is rapidly failing me.
That's why I blog folks!
P.S.
I had saved all buy DIG magazines including the one with the guy on the cover to win as a slave. My Mom threw out all my magazines with my EXTENSIVE comic book collection (including all my Crypt comic books pre censorship) when I joined the Army at eighteen years old. She thought they were a "bad influence." Too late Mom, I was already influenced. I WANTED that guy as my slave!
9 comments:
I thought that guy on the cover of DIG was you Ron. LOL. I too had some pen pals. I enjoy writing to these folks. One day my mother decided that I was no longer going to be writing to my pals. I had come home from school and found all my letter were missing. She burned them and said that she would censor the mail from now on. She and I had a horrific arguement which ended in me vomiting and then running away off into 100 acre wooded section of our farm. I did not go home. It was after midnight when my father finally found me huddle against a big log and covered in dry grasses and leaves. I cried and he said come here and take my hand we will get you home and into your bed. When we got into the house my mother rushed at me with both hands open to hit me. My father told her to never touch me again. I truly believe both parents knew I was gay when I was 5 years old. The problem was not me being gay but rather that the world was a cruel place in those days for gay men. I was taught by my father and grandfathers to be a businesman and to be the boss and amass a lot of money and not beholding to anyone. I was taught to never put myself in a compromizing position were I could be blackmailed. All the while never was the word queer or homosexual mentioned. It is a wonder so many of us in our mid sixties, seventies and eighties are not more mentally scarred than we are. The closet was our safe place. But even today we are not as safe as we might like to be. We are always on guard watching, listening and hoping we will be left alone to live our lives as open gay men and women. It is like Ron says that we have to be careful who and what and where we talk about because those who hide behind the scenes are sometimes out to get us for what we talk, chat and joke about. Trolls can get you killed. All we want to do is enjoy life to the fullest and to do it freely. I want to say 99% of the bloggers and followers are cool and respectful. That is why I comment from time to time. Yes, I have a terminal illness and was given 3 years max to live and that was almost 10 years ago. I find a reason to get up each day, and that be bloggs and vloggs and the you of tube. No family and my friends are dying off fast. I need friends and relationships. I am going to try my hand at blogging. If nothing else it's a record of my life and could theraphy. Okay, now it is time to take the queens ransom in medications. The cost of meds is ridiculous. Sorry for being a long winded teller of lifes tales as I lived them. Be safe, Above all else, Be Happy. Oh, and don't forget, if your in trouble always ask for help. For most help is a phone call away or a knock on the door next door away. Adieu! And now back to Ron, it is his blog. Hahaha...
I'm glad you blog, Ron. I enjoy reading about your life. In my opinion you've lived a good one. I'm interested in what you have done and what you are doing. I wish you the best in your days to come.
Jim
I feel very fortunate to have met you, Ron. Don't count out another visit from me yet :-)
Sassybear
https://idleeyesandadormy.com/
You HAVE left a mark on me---XO
Woody,
For sometime now I was wondering why you don't blog. You should start a blog. You write well, you are interesting and certainly have a story to tell. That's what blogging is all about, telling your own story. Blogging is great therapy and you also connect with others outside your immediate geographical limitations. That's one of the great things about the Internet age. Of course there are trolls out there and those whose only purpose is to take advantage of us but from my experience at blogging I find the greatest majority are fine and decent folks.
That was a horrific story about your experience with your Mother. My Mother didn't approve either of my comic books. I don't think she cared about my pen pals. I needed friendship desperately when I was young and my pen pals helped fill that void even though most of them were girls. Very few guys were pen pals even though I sought them. And none gay. I never had a gay pen pal (that I knew of anyway.
Yes, that guy on the dover of DIG magazine did remind me of myself but I daresay I was better looking. Didn't do me any good though because I had such low self esteem because of my father and my Mother not backing me up. But I understood where she ws coming from because she had such a difficult childhood. She did the best she could.
Reading your comments gave me more fuel for my future blogs. Thanks!
Ron
Vic,
I "left a mark" on you? I hope that's not bad.
Ron
Jim,
For so many years I thought I led a dull life. It is only now I realize, upon reflection, what an interesting life I have led for me. Of course to others maybe my life isn't interesting but when I recall al my many memories I realize what a treasure trove of good (and bad) memories I have. All part of living. Soon I will end my time on this earth but I will go knowing that I lead a good life. I have indeed been very fortunate. I'm glad I can share my life experience on this blog. I am indeed leaving my "mark."
Ron
Sassy,
Indeed! When you're down here in southern Delaware again please stop by for a visit!
Ron
Hello Ron,
You have left a GOOD mark on me. I am amazed and proud of what you have accomplished in life. You are taking care of Bill and what a better steward than that. You have forged an independent life for you and Bill. My hat is off to you.
As I enter the new year of being 65 I am at whits end. I look at the quality of life versus quantity. I could go on but it would be a blog.
If I could go back and talk to my younger self I would say be who you are. Stay true to YOUR North Star. Do not worry about what others think. When growing up, in my teens, I knew I was gay for the longest. I just didn't know how to go about it. I was worried about my family finding out. For a period of about 10 years, I fell into the religious world. I was not happy and had to get out and be me/gay. Now I am agnostic and skeptical of religion. I know how it works. I know what goes on behind the scenes, the hypocrisy. These mega churches make me angry. I would say find friends that make you better, challenge you, call you out for your shit. Find those handfuls of friends to nurture you and augment your life. And professionally, find a mentor. I did not have these things and it was almost like fumbling in the dark. I needed your banking skills to help me in my later years. I was not taught financial skills when I was young. I was fiercely independent and could have reached out more for help, and guidance on so many things.
I would say being gay now is not a cakewalk but it is a lot better than in the 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s. There are so many resources now and more acceptance in society at large. I view TickToc videos and some of the gay stuff would be unheard of in my formative years. The internet and apps are great. Of course, using them responsibly is essential.
I would love to know what I know now back then. But you know what, that is life. I am happy about the experiences. I have had a good run BUT I would do some things differently.
Yes, Ron, you have left a good mark on me. You are a beckon to others of a life well-lived. Yes, you are on the backside but knowing you, you will go out kicking and screaming. You will be yelling with your last breath asking who will mow the lawn and take care of the flowers.
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