Cracks in the Wall

Here we go folks, one of those cryptic blog posts.  I'm not trying to be cute here folks but sometimes I just have to get my feelings out.

Regular followers of this blog know that I've had a pretty good life.  In spite of my recent rash of medical maladies (more in the past few years that my whole previous 70 years of life) I still have a pretty good life.

I have a loving and devoted partner/husband who loves me in spite of all my (many) flaws.  No matter what, he is always here (to use a tired old cliche) "here" for me.  Always.  No questions asked.  For the past fifty-one years.  Where others have asked "What does he see in him", Bill knows me and accepts me as I am.  And he knows I love him no matter what.  

Bill and me on our wedding day

I have a good job.  I have enough income to maintain my present living conditions for a few years to come.  However, I am worried about the ever increasing costs of all my insurance policies, especially medical insurance.  Hopefully I will die before it comes to a point where I can no longer afford the medical premiums.

I live in a very comfortable house for which I have worked all my life to attain. I am now here.  

I live in a good neighborhood with kind and caring and respectful neighbors.  I cannot emphasize enough how important it is where one lives.  I have lived in too many neighborhoods where we were ostracized just because we were gay.  Hopefully that will never happened again in our lifetime.

I have a few good friends whom I appreciate very much. They know who they are, no need to name names.

Friends Wayne and Pat in happier times - 2013 Kalmyr Nickel

But something has changed.  Remember how I was so interested in family reunions and class reunions?  In fact today my high school is holding a class reunion in Downingtown.  It's being held at a friend and former classmate's house picnic style. I've attended those informal reunions before at his house.  I won't be attending this reunion.  The reason I won't be attending is that, when I told him of my marriage to Bill he said "What's next Ron? Marrying your pet?"  When I pointed out to him that he just insulted me his response was "Well Ron, a lot of people believe that."  He just doesn't get it.  I was so disappointed in him because I really like him.  In the past I've been a guest at his house Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner.  His wife and family have always been welcoming to me.  But it's obvious now perhaps the only reason was because I knew my place, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."  

Last year I had held one of my several family reunions that I've held over the past twenty years.  This was the first one Bill came too.  Hardly any of my family showed up including my brother who lives just down the road from the park where the reunion was held.  I was so hurt and embarrassed by the blatant disrespect that I vowed never again in my life to hold another family reunion.  And I will not.  I normally held these family reunions in October.  No more.  Some of my family relatives attended and I appreciated their support but the large majority of my family has written me off apparently because I dared to bring my husband to the family reunion. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".

Last Family Reunion 2013

A few years ago I lost contact with both of my brothers after I sent out Christmas cards with a picture of me and Bill at our marriage ceremony.  Not one relative wished us well.  They all knew I've been with Bill for all these years but apparently coming out in the open, that was where I went too far.  

I still care for my brothers and their families, that will never change.  But something has changed.  I've changed.  They haven't.  I'm am embarrassment to them now.  

Remember how involved I was with Find a Grave and the volunteering?  Not anymore.  I just don't care.  

I keep a daily journal.  I have for eight years now.  While I enjoy writing in my daily journal, I sometimes wonder, what will become of that daily journal when I die?  Does anyone care?  The answer of course is "No."  No one cares.  I have over 80,000 photos on my computer.  Does anyone care?  No.  When I die that history is gone . . . . forever. No one cares.

This past year several of my friends and acquaintances have died.  My life as I know it is diminishing.  Bill will be 87 years old this month. Thank goodness, he is still in good health albeit his hearing is less.  He loves and cares for me just as much as he did when we met fifty-one years ago.  And believe me folks, that is no small miracle because as anyone who knows me knows, I am not the easiest person to love.  I am self-centered, egotistical, irritable, stubborn and whatever other negative adjective that you wish to apply.  How do I know this?  Because others have often told me so.  I always get a kick out when some say "What does Bill see in you?"  My answer?  I don't know other than I think I'm a good person but that's probably for others to judge.

Anyway, these days I'm sleeping more in the morning.  Where I used to get up at 7 in the morning, now I get up at 8:30 or 9.  I frequently take an hour or so nap in the afternoon.  And in the evening I wind down at 9 or 10 o'clock.  I'm just tired. I think of my Mother, the few years before she died.  She slept a lot.  Almost round the clock.

These days I keep myself occupied by posting my blog entries, playing Scrabble on-line (a recent activity which I love), gardening, working part-time and Face Timeing my Canadian friend (you all know who that is).  But even he is becoming less tolerant (and I don't blame him) of my sometimes selfish behavior. I don't mean to be so self-centered and try not to be but apparently I am without even realizing it.  I always seem to eventually drive away all my friends, except Bill of course. 

I usually take Bill out for a ride in the early evening.  Sometimes we go down Oyster Rocks Road to the Broadkill River and be one with the solitude of those wetlands.  We went down there last night.  As we drove to the dead end of the road we saw a huge crane take flight.  I've always admired cranes, egrets and birds of that type.  For many years I believe my Mother when she told me I was "born" when a stork brought me to the Chester County Hospital.  I really believed that and always wanted to see where the storks landed at that hospital.  Seeing that crane take off last night to me was a metaphor for when my life comes to an end.  That crane will take me away.  Take me away from all the pain, uncertainty and cruelness of this earthly existence.  

As I said before, I've had a good life and continue to have a good life but I feel something coming on.  A change.  Too many people I know have gone.  People I used to call and talk to when I was lonely and felt this creeping sadness that threatens to overwhelm me.  Ron (another one), Ed, Sal, Bob, Wayne, Penny, my Mother and even my brothers.  All gone now.  Waiting.  

My longtime friend Ed at his home on Laurel Street in Rehoboth Beach

NOTE:

Sometimes it is hard for me to hold everything together but rest assured I will continue to do so even though the Black Dog is paying me a visit again.  I have too much going for me in this life. However, one day this will end too and I will have no regrets. I have lived, loved and been loved and what more could anyone ask?

Someone Left the Cake Out In the Rain

Good day folks on this, the 14th anniversary of 9/11.  I was going to write a memorial post noting 9/11 but decided not to.  Evil exists in this world and 9/11 was one of the worst examples.  I figure there will be enough memorials posted and shown on TV for those who wish to remember.  For me, I'll post this little snippet of fun times that my Canadian buddy Pat and I had at the Canadian National Exhibition a few weeks ago.

As regular followers of this blog know I now visit Toronto at the end of the summer season.  Each year this coincides with Canada's National Exhibition which is basically a grand carnival.  This year was no exception.

Last year Pat and I met up with my blogger friend Dr. Spo and his partner, Someone.  The four of us did some rides, screaming like little girls.  This year Dr. Spo and Someone visited Canada

Dr. Spo, Pat and Someone during an earlier visit to Toronto this summer

earlier in order to take in more reputable activity like Shakespearean plays and Strafford on Avon or some high brow place like that.  That's not me and Pat.  We're carnival junkies.  

Last year I did too much on one of the rides and my eyes were thrown off the rest of my trip.  This year I was more careful.  I was reluctant to go on the Wicked Mouse ride but Pat insisted.  It looked harmless enough to me so I acceded.  That was a mistake.  Remember those two old, battered, greasy hats that Pat and I wear everywhere?  

Pat and me earlier this year in Lewes, Delaware with our greasy hats

Gone.  Gone with the wind.  In fact, the first bump on the Wicked Mouse, they flew off our old gray noggins.  

After the ride we made a half-hearted effort to find our hats at the base of the Wicked Mouse but it was a lost cause.  Somewhere among all that metal and trash were our beloved hats. To this day I wonder where those hats are resting now.  Probably at the bottom of a garbage filled trash can.  

Ah, the pain of the loss.  But I have all these pictures of us in those hats.  You know what I kept thinking the rest of our vacation every time I thought of those hats?  Richard Harris singing "MacArthur Park" lyrics "Someone left the cake out in the rain, I don't think I can take it because it took so long to bake it and I'll never have that recipe again........OH NOOOOOO!"




So then we went on a quest for new hats.  Both of us don't have much hair on our noggins so we need the hats.  Know how hard it is to find just the right hat?  Almost impossible.  We finally found hats but it's not the same.  I think I can replace Pat's hat because I bought the original at Walmart.  

Mine?  It was a custom made hat for the hotel where I work and . . . . . . . you got it.   I'll never have that recipe again.  

Pat and I and our new hats at "the beach" (Lake Ontario), Canada - not the same

Thoughts At Summer's End

Well folks, as nice as it was to be away it is always good to be home again.  Maybe that's the best part of taking a trip, makes one appreciate home more.

I could not have asked for a better host during my stay in Toronto than my alter ego Pat.  Generous, gracious, kind, patient and just fun to be with.  I can be quite the greedy and needy guest but Pat handled my visit with grace and aplomb. Only one little "bump" when we had a misunderstanding at the Food Court in the Eaton Center.  I made the gross mistake of ordering lunch at a God awful place and eating it when Pat thought I was getting it "to go."  He had a parking situation (meter was about to run out).  He thought I thoughtlessly ignored his situation while I selfishly got lunch.  I didn't knowingly of course, but maybe I did.  There was a bit of uncomfortableness there for a while but we got past it.  Ironically, the lunch of black bean soup that caused all the contretemps wasn't even worth it. Tasted like warmed up dish water.  Won't happen again, ever.

One of my big problems on this trip were my legs.  I have a weakness in my legs, not just the one I injured all these many months ago. I suspect I have arthritis in my legs.  Getting out of a car, I look like and am the proverbial Old Man.  The one thing I always had in my life was the ability to walk and walk and walk.  Apparently that is gone as the years creep up on me. 

Of course I other crazy theories are invading my mind like I have prostate cancer (which I do) that has spread to my pelvic area.  My follow-up doctor's appointment is at the end of this month.  At that time I'll know is my PSA score has crept up even further than it did from my last blood test.  If it has, I'm not doing anything.  I'm not going to live the rest of my life battling the side effects of treatment for prostate cancer.

Today I return back to work for the first time since I left for Canada lo these many weeks ago.   I'm looking forward to going back to work.  Thank goodness the kiddies are back in school and the craziness at the hotel has subsided.  I don't know if I can take one more "Do you have a pool?" questions from parents who want to dump their Little Darlings at a pool.

I noted this morning that some withered and browned leaves have fallen from my birch trees out back.  The Japanese beetles have gone and my rose bushes have returned to their former blazing red glory.  Fall cannot be too far behind.  The days are still hot and humid as is usual on this peninsula where we live. The days are getting shorter. 

I am still shocked and saddened by the suicide of my blogger friend Jay of Virginia.  I blame the witch-hunting new media for his death.  I note that they haven't covered his death with the ratings inspired fervor that they covered the raid on his home.  I wonder how they sleep at night, knowing that they destroyed a man's life.  

I also note that the political climate hasn't changed since I left.  The news media is still pushing the "Hillary's e-mail" so called scandal.  Hey news media - there's no "there" there.  

There's a new Christian martyr, Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who is refusing to issue same sex marriage licenses.  Hey, I don't have a problem with her sincere religious beliefs about same sex marriage but she can always quite her job if her religious beliefs interfere with her job.  What am I missing here?  I do find it interesting that she's been married four times.

 
What does her Christian beliefs say about that?  But Ms. Davis is enjoying being a martyr and will make a lot of money.  When I see a situation like this it only reinforces my belief that there is no afterlife.  Can you imagine getting to Heaven and a Kim Davis is there?  Let's hear it:

OMIGOD!

So folks, that's my random thoughts on this overcast (maybe we'll finally get some rain after two months) Thursday morning on the lower Delaware peninsula.  

Have a good one!

Leaving Canada and Arriving Home

What day is it?  Oh, it's Wednesday.  I'm just about recovered from my trip home from Canada and arrival back to good old Lower Slower Delaware, otherwise known as Sussex County, Delaware.  Yesterday the "Lower Slower" was proven again as I waiting two hours for my annual eye examination.  There was almost a mutiny in the waiting room among Dr. Belson's dilated patients as we were all wondering if he would even see us before our eyes became undiluted. But again I digress.

Today I thought I would post some interesting short videos of my departure from Toronto on Monday and addible in Philly.  

Fortunately the weather was perfect.  Pat, my genial and gracious host, was wondering what the holiday (Canada also celebrates Labor Day) would be like.  We were lucky because the usual Toronto traffic gridlock was not in evident as we speed past Condo City, AKA Toronto early Monday morning.  

Pat was taking me not to Toronto's international airport but to Buffalo New York's airport, some ninety miles away, just over the border.  I take the plane to Buffalo and from Buffalo, saving almost $500 in airfare.  Oh sure, I am again taking advantage of my friends' good nature and generosity (hear that Pat, Larry and Bill?) by having them cart my ass in their car to my destinations.  Hey, I've been doing this all my life, why quit now?

So the ride out of Dodge City Toronto was swift and painless, unlike last year's visit when it was slow moving molasses just about all the way to the border crossing.

This time we sailed to the border crossing only to be jammed up at the border crossing, which we expected.  We changed lanes once when our first lane wasn't moving at all.  Although the video shows a massive, slow moving mess, we got through the border crossing in about a half hour.  Coincidentally during our wait my friend Stuart from Ft. Lauderdale called me on FaceTime.  We chatted a bit until Pat's car arrived at the border guard.  Out came our passports which we turned over to the border guard, hoping he wouldn't pull us out of the car as he usually does when Pat travels by himself.  I guess I look too stupid to be a terrorist but Pat?  Well, take a look.

After the border crossing, we were in Buffalo.  Again we had a hard time figuring out how to get into the Buffalo airport, just like we did last year.  Pat's Tom-Tom needs updating (tell me about it, smile).  

But we got there and Pat deposited his starting to smell like bad fish guest (I was at Pat's THIRTEEN DAYS).  Pat couldn't help but to suppress a ear to ear grin as he said "Goodbye" to me and I entered the that twisting line of airport security.  This time I wasn't felt up like I was when I got on at Philly International thirteen days before. At Philly, I was pulled aside and asked to loosen my belt (not the first time I've had that request but never at an airport, well . . . . maybe never).  The TSA personage felt me up around my middle (that's my spare tire fella) and then asked me to go into that X-Ray thing that strips you naked photographically (now everyone knows).  Then I was asked to take off my grungy shoes (which I wore for comfort not style).  

I passed then was told to go my way. Oh, this was at Philly International, almost two weeks before but as you can see I am still somewhat traumatized, being this was the FIRST time I was every thoroughly inspected by airport security since 9/11.  Oh well, check that off my Bucket List.

Once I was through security I had a wait for my flight.  I could see Pat in the distance, still smiling (couldn't keep that smile off your face could you Pat?)  

Long post here folks.  All I meant to post was my videos giving you the flavor or my Day of Departure and Arrival.  

I'll wrap this up now.  I arrived in Philly after an hour flight from Buffalo with that whining, crying two-year old girl traveling with her parents and grandmother.  She finally stopped whining and crying when she got off the plane, big yellow bow ribbon still intact atop her blond head.  Begone child!

At Philly there was the disaster of hooking up with Bill, (he was at the Departure Terminal - where he dropped me off two weeks earlier) and I was at the Arrival Terminal.  We finally hooked up and headed home, passing all that backed up Labor Day weekend traffic returning from the shore (Lower Slower Delaware) to their hot little houses in Wilmington, Philly, and New Jersey.  

That was my mistake, arranged to come home on Labor Day.  Poor Bill, he had to endure that traffic slow lodge coming up to pick up.  Never again Bill will I arrange to come home on a holiday. Finis, over, ended.

So I'm home now, slept a lot and am almost recovered.  I didn't watch any TV or hear any news but I find I didn't miss a beat.  The news media is still beating the drum about HILLARY'S E-MAILS.  WTF is that all about anyway?  I mean other than taking down Hillary as a Democratic presidential candidate sure to be elected as the first woman president.  Sure, she's boring and untrustworthy.  She's a politician.  Give me a break.  What?  Mike Huckabee is a better choice or the Kohl Brothers' stalking horse Scott Walker?  Oh I know, Chris Christie, the New Jersey Bully/Gangster.  Donald Trump is good entertainment and he has a gorgeous wife but president?  Really?  Let's give that one a try.  One thing is for sure, no one could be worse that George W. Bush.  Oh wait, maybe Low Energy Jeb.  But again, I'm off on another tangent.  

Hope you enjoy the videos folks. I have lots more!

Back Home

I'm back home folks!  

Yesterday I landed at Philly International Airport.  Bill picked me up.  Not right away though.  He was at the Departure section of the airport and I was at the Arrival section of the airport.  Nightmare time.

Yep, a lot of hollering and screaming on our mutual iPhones.  He's telling me to stand under the JetBlue sign, which I did.  But he couldn't see me, of course because he was an another section the airport.  I finally figured out where he was but I didn't know how to get there.

An unhappy Ron waiting under the JetBlue sign at the Arrivals gate - Bill was at the Departure gate

He asked an airport employee to retrieve my frustrated self and show me The Way.

I made it just in time before a policeman shooed him away.

Of course Bill was frustrated because he had traveled the 100 some miles from southern Delaware to Philly International in Labor Day traffic (my fault).  I'll never come home on a holiday again.

And I was extra frustrated because I had just spent an hour on the plane listening to a crying, whining baby.  I don't consider any of my flights complete unless accompanied by at the whine of a baby who doesn't want to be on a plane. I knew this was going to happen when I saw Mom and Dad and Grand Mom escorting their Little Darling (with a big yellow ribbon in her hair) to the checkin desk. I thought "Here we go . . . again."  Not to dwell too much on this subject folks, but almost every day of my stay in Canada, I was subjected to the cries, whines, wails and screams of little babies and young girls.  You think I'm kidding?  More videos will follow.  One exception was the last restaurant where I ate, a Vietnamese restaurant called inexplicable "King's Cafe",  where there were NO CHILDREN.  However, my dining experience was interrupted by a homeless woman who approached me from behind, layed out what few meager coins she had and begged me in a soft, piteous voice "Please sir, I only need 67 cents to buy a spring roll."  Pat tried to chase her away but I was weak and gave her several dollars. She gave me a big, wet kiss on the cheek.  After witnessing that Pat briefly considered finding a hotel room for my last night in Toronto.  




I know I risk boring my blog readers with my constant complaints of babies crying in restaurants (and planes) and screaming little girls. Those videos will follow in a future blog post, they deserve their own blog post.

I was so tired yesterday when I finally arrived home that I didn't even have the energy to unpack. But I was glad to be home.  As much as I enjoyed my vacation in Canada, and my always gracious and generous host (Pat), I was glad to be home.  Maybe the best part about going way, getting home.  

I slept so well last night that when I woke up this morning, I found that I hadn't moved.  Usually I toss around in my bed but last night, didn't move.

I have a lot of photos and videos to share of my stay in Canada.  I never did post most of my videos and photos from last year  from Canada or L.A. but I plan to post the photos I took this year. 

Next up is our trip to Los Angeles in January. 

As good as a time I had in Canada, it was somewhat saddened by the death of a fellow blogger, Jay Murphy ("Jay in VA"). Just another reminder of how fragile life is and how important it is for each and everyone one us, who has the opportunity to make every moment count.  We never know when an accident, health crises or someone who hates us will take us out.  So live today folks, for tomorrow never comes.

Me and Pat at King's Cafe in Toronto, Canada

Wrapping Up the Canadian Vacation

The Two Old Guys with their new hats at the Eaton Center, in downtown Toronto

All too soon my Canadian vacation is coming to an end.  In two days Pat (my host) will take me to the Buffalo airport for my flight back to Philadelphia.  Bill will pick me up at the airport.

As usual Pat has been the perfect host, attending to all me needs (and I can assure you I have abundant needs).  

This is the second time I've visited Pat at his home in Toronto.  This visit I urged him to continue with his regular activities and don't worry about being the Cruise Director for me 24/7.  Since 9 o'clock this morning he has been attending his band practice.  Must be going good because the time is 1:45 PM and I haven't heard from him. I'm glad he took my suggestion.  

This year I've encountered a few "Delaware" summer days, i.e. warm and humid.  In fact today is a scorcher and that's why I'm staying inside.  Pat's house doesn't have air conditioning but does stay relatively cool.  Although he has warned me that if there is a string of hot and humid days, the house succumbs.

Yesterday we went to "the beaches" which is Toronto's version of the Atlantic Ocean and boardwalk.  The water is Lake Ontario and the boardwalk is just like the boardwalk in Rehoboth Beach, albeit a LOT less crowded.

We sat on a shady bench and did crossword puzzles we obtained from the free daily newspaper.  Earlier we visited the laundromat and washed or unmentionables.  Old Man stuff you say?  Hey, what can I tell you?  We're old men.  Works for us.  

This visit I was thinking about visiting the CN Tower and doing the Edge Walk but just ran out of time.  Oh sure, how about courage?  I did want to visit the restaurant but we've already spent too much money eating out every day.  Maybe next time we'll take the walk.

I'm still a bit down about our mutual blogger friend Jay from Virginia taking his own life after being publicly shamed and humiliated. I don't know the details of his predicament but as I wrote in my earlier blog post today, I liked and respected Jay.  He always treated me with kindness and affability and added a great deal to our two Bloggerpaloozas.  I am saddened that he felt he had to take his own life because he knew no way out.  My heart got out to him and his family.  But he is at peace now.  No more pain for Jay.

I got a bit off subject there but Jay's passing and the circumstances have reminded me of how precious our lives are.  In just an instance our lives could be ruined. Just as my leg injury last February has probably changed my life forever (I'm still having a hard time getting around albeit without a cane), I am all to aware that we must make each moment we have on this earth count.  Bring some happiness to others.  Make a contribution through your goodwill towards others. There will always be negativity and evil in this world but whatever moments of happiness, peace and joy we can grab, do it.

I woke up this morning with one more day of life.  I hope I wake up tomorrow with another day.  If I don't I am content in the knowledge that I have made the most of my life with whatever talents, survival skills, and hard work that I could manage.

Peace to you and yours.

Joseph "Jay" Murphy

Today I note the untimely passing of a dear blogger friend, Joseph "Jay" Murphy.  Regular readers of my blog will recognize Jay's moniker "Jay in VA".  

I do not know the details of the circumstances of why Jay decided to end his life.  What I do know that he is apparently another victim of the witch hunt atmosphere that is all to pervasive in our society today that if one is accused they're automatically guilty and their life is ruined by public shaming and humiliation.  And I will leave that discussion to others.  

At this time I will remember Jay's joy of life.  The Jay I knew was kind an generous and had a big heart. 


May his soul rest in peace.  

Below is Jay's last blog post:

Goodbye and I’m Sorry

Posted on September 2, 2015 by jayinrva

I lost my way. I am so sorry!

Fuck me. I am so sorry to be posting this. But I am gone. Permanently.

There is no question that this is devastating to many, many people. But what could have happened to me was more so, I am ashamed to say.

I was accused of a crime, the type of which you can’t fight against. Once accused, always guilty. This effectively ended my life.

I always worried about how I would go. I worried that I would have a heart attack or stroke (I did have all the risk factors) sitting in my desk chair and stay there for days until someone finds me, ruining the already ruined carpet. This way is easier, cleaner, and I got to determine how and when.

I am sorry. Some say this is the coward’s way out. I say I was strong. It took a hell of a lot of strength to do this. To end the public shaming and humiliation that started the moment the raid on my house was posted by a local TV station on the web.

To my blog friends: I knew so many of you from day 1 of my blogging and coming out, 5 years ago. Every one of you helped me in that tremendous challenge. Early on, or later, it doesn’t matter. I can’t thank you enough. I also know so many of you in person. One of the greatest things ever was to make new friends here, then turn them into real life friendships. Now that is ruined.

To all of my friends on Facebook who will see this: Again, I am soooo sorry. I’ve known many of you since we were teens. You mean the world to me. I pray God will forgive me my sins.

I am leaving the blog up. I don’t know why. But I won’t be back.

(It will disappear  when the hosting fees fail to get paid, probably in about 5-7 months.)