Thanksgiving 2023

 

A Tipton Thanksgiving dinner about 1977 - from left to right - my Mother (partially obscured), my father, my sister-in-law and her husband Isaac, my brother who now lives alone (they're divorced and she remarried and lives in Florida) with his cat at the old family homestead in Pennsylvania

This year, as in year's past when I am asked "What are you doing for Thanksgiving?", I respond with "nothing." 

When my Mother was alive, I almost always went to her home (the old family homestead where my surviving brother, a MAGA Republican who I am not speaking to now....again, lives) for her traditional home cooked Thanksgiving dinner. As a matter of fact, that is how my parents met Bill for the first time.

I was estranged from them for about a year after they discovered I was gay. This was in 1964. My Mother caught me with my married boyfriend. Believe me, it was ugly. An incident which I've recounted many times in this blog as my longtime regular blog readers can attest to.

I think the year was 1965 that my Mother broke the ice when she sent me a birthday card (my birthday being November 9, conveniently a few weeks before Thanksgiving), and invited me to the family Thanksgiving dinner. I responded by telling her I would come but only if I could bring Bill. She said "Who is Bill?" I told her he was my boyfriend and I was living with him. She said "Absolutely not!" Then I told her "I'm not coming unless Bill comes with me." I can't remember the exact sequence of events but I think she called me back in a few days and said I could bring Bill. 

Well, you know the rest of the story. They LOVED Bill. As I knew they would. In fact Bill became very good friends with both my Mother (who was only four years older than Bill) and my father.

I don't know what my Mother was expecting. My father didn't much care, he never did about anything in my life. Maybe my Mother thought Bill would be very effeminate.  One thing Bill is not is effeminate. Bill is uber butch. For real. Or maybe she thought Bill was some kind of lecherous pervert. Well, I guess that all depends on the circumstance. Long story short, they had nothing to fear with Bill, all was well. And for many years Bill and I enjoyed Thanksgiving dinner with my parents. 

For a few years I tried giving a Thanksgiving dinner myself but Bill and I just don't eat that much to justify preparing all that food for the two of us. A few years we invited our late friend Ed C. over but that dropped off eventually. 

For another few years I attended my late friend Bob McC. and Jim D.'s annual Thanksgiving Dinner for Lonely Gay guys.

One of three tables laid out for Thanksgiving dinner at Bob and Jim's for the annual Lonely Gay Guys Thanksgiving Dinner

That was fun because most older, single gay guys don't have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving dinner. That's why Bob and Jim started up that annual Thanksgiving dinner event. And it was quite successful at one point having about twenty four gay men attending the Turkey Fest at their double wide mobile home on twenty-two acres of wooded land outside Georgetown, Delaware. 

One of the tables at Bob and Jim's Thanksgiving dinner

But of course, Thanksgiving at Bob and Jim's eventually withered away when most of the participants died, including Bob and Jim. No one has picked up the Thanksgiving baton since, including me.

Yep, that's me on the right leaning back in my chair

I must say I did so thoroughly enjoy those Thanksgiving dinners at Bob and Jim's. Food was great, company was fabulous. Only downside was occasionally one of those guys hit on me, thinking the dinner was a dating app. But this is the curse of being a hottie like I was then (Ron says with tongue in cheek). 

Thanksgiving dinner on the job at the hotel, often interrupted by a guest calling for fresh towels

When I wasn't attending other's Thanksgiving dinners I was working at the hotel. Here is a picture of me having a Pity Thanksgiving "Dinner" that one of my co-workers brought in to me when I was working at the hotel one year. Dinner was good. I do like turkey and all the fixings. What I do miss though is the camaraderie of "family" whether it be traditional or untraditional like a bunch of gay men who have nowhere else to go on Thanksgiving.

But then what is Thanksgiving about? Being thankful, that's what Thanksgiving is all about. And this year I am more thankful than I have ever been. And that is because I am here with Bill. I am so thankful that I can take care of Bill at this time of his life and that we can be together.

So my wish to you good folks is whatever kind of "family" gathering you have for Thanksgiving, you have a wonderful time and you have much to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Christmas Tree 2023

For the first time since we moved to Delaware in 2006, we're having a Christmas tree in our house.

When Bill and I first got together at Christmas 1964, we did the Christmas Tree Thing up big. Bill even created a circuit board (Bill was an electrician in his previous life) that changed the color of the lights.

Christmas 1966 Pennsauken New Jersey (Polaroid photo)

For the next several years we continued having a traditional, fully decorated Christmas tree in our next  four places that we lived. 

I'm not sure when we fell away from putting up a Christmas tree in our home. Maybe about twenty years ago we figured the effort just wasn't worth all the trouble of putting a Christmas tree up then taking it down after Christmas.  Not that we were "Bah humbug!" for Christmas, both of us like the Christmas season, but for two old single men? Let the kids have Christmas.  

For the past several years I started thinking "Christmas tree" again, but quickly dissuaded myself of all that effort of getting out all my Christmas decorations. Then I saw Pat's aluminum Christmas tree that he puts up for himself. I thought it was cute. 

I began rethinking having a Christmas tree.

Then last week, while I was in our local Ace Hardware I noticed they had one of those cute aluminum Christmas trees on displace brightly blinking its LED colorful lights. "Hmmmm", I thought. "Maybe."

I didn't want to make an impetuous decision and buy it right away. I would "think" on it. Well, the "thinking" was done and yesterday I decided to buy it. 

I wanted to buy the sample tree that they had on display. I didn't want to buy one of those artificial trees that I had to assemble and disassemble each year. My late friends Bob and Jim had one of those trees. It was beautiful when it was finally put up but it did take a lot of effort to assemble the tree. In Bob's later years he often got the branches mixed up. He had longer branches toward the top and shorter ones on the bottom. He didn't bother changing them. Their Christmas tree began to reflect Bob and Jim's deteriorating health. I didn't want to go down that route. This floor display Christmas aluminum tree I was considering buying at Ace Hardware would not have to be put together and taken apart. That was the deciding factor for me. 

I brought my $20 Ace Hardware coupon with me and bought that $69.00 aluminum Christmas tree. 

Yesterday I found the perfect location for this new addition to our home. I spend a lot of my time in our kitchen, behind the counter. Bill spends most of his day in our sunroom. We have an open floor plan. Thus we can enjoy our Christmas tree to the fullest extent. 

I placed the our new Christmas tree on that little glass topped deck table that occupied that corner of our living room. Viola! Perfect! In fact it was so good that I told Bill to get in the car and we were going to the Kitchen Ware store in Rehoboth Beach. I was going to buy more Christmasy things to compliment our new addition to our living space. 

The video you see at the beginning of this blog is the result of those new additions. I have more to go and will update in future blog postings.

This year will probably be our last Christmas together. Bill is gradually getting weaker (his VA nurse is coming in again next week to check on him and give him his annual flu shot). Bill doesn't think he will be here next year. He is tired and wants to go. My goal is to make his final days as comfortable and happy for him as possible. This new Christmas tree is making him very happy. He loves the colors and brightness. 

Visitors did not expect such a WARM WELCOME FROM the LION!

I like cats but I think I would pass on this one. Yeah, I know, I'm just a big pussy.

Birthday Boy Here

 

Ron the Octogenarian

Today I begin my 83rd year on this planet. 

Who would have ever thought I would reach the grand old age of 82 years old? 

I am an octogenarian.  That means I'm between 80 and 89 years of age. 

So how do I feel about being an OLD MAN? Not any different from when I was 81 years old. A LOT different when I was 22 years old. 

For one thing my whole body didn't ache when I was 22y years old. 

I had loads of energy. Almost inexhaustible energy!

I could walk for miles and not feel a thing except exhilarated. Now I can hardly walk. I don't have the energy. 

If you would have asked me when I was 22 years old  I would have told you with complete confidence that I wouldn't live past 60 years old. 

A much younger me from 1969 at a bowling banquet. I'm the one in the blue seersucker suit on the far right. The woman with the cigarette was a co-worker of mine. This is one of the few photos of me that wasn't posed. These are the best photos of anyone, the spontaneous unposed photos. Unfortunately, I don't have too many of them. In my mind this is the way I think I look. Then I look in the mirror now and I am always shocked. What happened to me?  Oh well, I feel very lucky to have made it this far. Now to see what I look like when I'm 90!

Oh for sure, I've had a couple of close calls. At seventeen I developed an infection from surgery which they (the doctors) didn't expect me to survive. In and out of the hospital for six months in the summer of 1959, I fooled them all and survived. 

Over the years I've been in a couple auto accidents but survived uninjured. 

In 1980 I almost lost my life when someone tried to strangle me. That was one time I thought I was checking out for sure. But I survived, barely.

Then there was the time I had a gun pulled on me by two muggers on 22nd Street in Philadelphia one Saturday night in the late 1970's when I was headed out to the local bar for a night of adventure. They demanded my money or they were going "to take my life." No way was I going to give them money (I only had three one dollar bills in my back rear pocket anyway). We had a standoff for a few seconds while they demanded my "money or your life." I figured if they were going to shoot me they would have to do it with witnesses so I ran away from them into the traffic on 22nd Street. They didn't shoot. I survived again.

I can related more such instances but you get the idea. I have been spared from an early departure from this life for several reasons, I think. Yes, I do think your lives are preordained. 

My purpose now it to take care of Bill until he makes his peaceful transition from this life to wherever one goes when one dies. 

Then my purpose to live out my days with Pat. We take care of one another. Without Pat I have no one and he is in the same situation. We were meant for each other. That's why I think we met ten years ago. Our journey was preordained, of that I am convinced.

Life goes on. I have a few more adventures left in this wonderful life I've been so fortunate to have lived.

 

Bill's VA Home Health Care Program

 

Bill's VA occupational therapist checking out Bill's bathroom safeguards

Yesterday we had the third visit from a representative of the Veterans Administration Home Healthcare program. This person was the Occupational Therapist. She gave us some very useful information about keeping Bill mobil and keeping me from further straining my back. 

She was here about an hour and a half checking on our facilities (grab bars, smoke detectors, fire extinguisher, exercise routine, etc). A very thorough evaluation of our home environment and helpful hints to make it safer for both me and Bill.

On Monday Bill's home healthcare nurse spent the morning with us. Again, a very thorough evaluation of our history and what they can do for us to make our living situation here at home better.

A few things I was very happy to learn is that the VA will supply Bill with his Ensure protein drinks. Previously I've been buying those expensive drink supplements at our local Walgreens. Also they will supply us with eye drops and something really important to me, up to thirty days respite care for me annually. Oh how I would love to take advantage of that but Bill won't hear of it. Even though I can't take advantage of that respite break from my caregiving for Bill at this time, perhaps in the future. It's good to know that it is there for me to use. 

The most important thing about this VA Home Healthcare program is that it takes a lot of worry and pressure off of me should Bill's health deteriorate. Before with the hospice program, although they were very good, I still had a number of hoops to jump through. He had to be approved to be on the program and then when he didn't die, I felt guilty for being on the program and the monthly cost to the Federal government. With VA Home Healthcare, I have a partner on call. Partners on call.

What I really find interesting about the VA Home Healthcare program is that I didn't even know it existed. I only found out about it the last time I took Bill to the local VA Outpatient Clinic to visit a VA doctor and she informed us that she was placing Bill on their home healthcare program. 

The VA has gotten a bad rap over the years for their sometimes neglectful care of their veterans but I have to tell you, the VA has been wonderful with us. Even though I have Medicare both Part A and B I continue to get my main doctor healthcare through the VA. I've been doing this for thirty years now, ever since I lost my heath care in 1994. Bill has always received all his health care through the VA.

The VA has literally saved both of our lives several times over when we both needed surgeries. For many years when I worked at a bank I had fabulous healthcare insurance but I never used it. Then when I lost my job at the bank is (of course) when I needed surgery. The VA took care of me and I never saw one bill. Bill has had the same experience with the VA. One of Bill's emergency surgeries happened when I was house sitting here in southern Delaware in January 2005. Bill's gall bladder burst. I was stuck down here in Delaware by a snow storm. The local VA in Pennsylvania picked up Bill and DROVE him to Philadelphia for emergency surgery. Bill was in the ICU for over a week recovering from his surgery. The only problem I had was calling him on the phone. His Filipina nurse would not put me though because I "wasn't a relative." I managed to work around that obstacle through a friend who works in the medical field who called her and told her to put me through. She did. These days there is no problem with me and Bill's relationship. One time though the nurse thought Bill was my father. I had to correct her (she was embarrassed) and tell her Bill was my husband. 

Thank goodness life has settled down here at Casa Tipton Kelly. 

There were no trick or treaters last night, which is fine with me. Now to get through "the holidays." 

Bill's Health Update After The VA Visit

VA Home Based Primary Care

 Good news folks! 

First, I think I have Bill's swallowing problem solved. I feed him a homemade egg nog solution. He likes it and doesn't choke. And it's easy to make! So easy, why I didn't try this before? No more grinding up Bill's oatmeal to a powder, cooking it then pureeing it to a liquid to serve it to him and he chokes on it. He loves my homemade egg nog and DOESN'T choke on it. 

Bill's eggnog recipe, of course I leave out the booze

This supplemented with Ensure and an occasional banana smoothie should provide Bill with enough nutrition for his daily dietary needs. And, just as I was writing this blog I received a call from a dietician at the VA to schedule a visit with Bill to check his dietary needs. 

Now the next good news, this past Wednesday "Nicki" from the VA Home Healthcare program visited us for the first time to setup Bill for the VA's home health care program.

Bill with "Nicki", his VA home health care nurse

Folks, I cannot tell you how relieved I am to have this help. Nicki is a registered nurse. She checked Bill's vitals and found them all good. She was very pleased that Bill is still able to walk around and can walk up and dow the stairs to his basement bedroom and bathroom. She said his heart rate was good as well as his lungs. And most important of all, she cared. She told me her father is a Vietnam veteran who now has Parkinson's Disease. I am familiar with that disease, my late good friend Bob McCamley had that disease. I saw firsthand how devastating that is. 

Nicki spent about two hours with us explaining the VA's home healthcare program and asking many questions about Bill's health. She said within the next two months Bill and I would be receiving a number of visits from representatives of the VA home health care program. Physical therapists, dietitians, and nurses. She gave me a number to call should I have any questions or emergencies. She told me that someone would answer that number (no menus to scroll through) on the first few rings. This was good to know. This gives me the level of comfort I had with the home hospice program Bill was on before, the knowledge that I could call someone immediately should I have an emergency. But Bill is off the home hospice program now (he was on twice) because he didn't die. This VA program is much better for us, it is geared to making Bill's last days as comfortable as possible here at his home where he is most comfortable. And it makes life easier for me too. I could not bear to think of Bill spending the rest of his life in some warehouse facility, no matter how nice their dining rooms are. That may work for some people but not for me and Bill.

Folks, the challenges of our life here have taken a good turn. And for that I am so thankful to everyone who has made this possible. And I cannot thank the VA enough for all that they have done for Bill. They have been fantastic!

Bill's Healthcare Update

 Bill continues to have his swallowing problems. 

It takes him a good forty-five minutes to an hour to eat his pureed oatmeal in the morning and in the evening. I didn't even feed him is oatmeal this evening. I can't take the sounds of him choking and gagging for that length of time. I usually go outside while he's eating but the weather is getting to cold for that escape.

Coincidentally I received a call from the VA this morning scheduling a first time visit from the VA Home Health Care system. This is a first for us. The last time we were at the VA, I was informed that Bill qualified (because of his age and psychical condition, for the VA Home Health Care program.  Bill would no longer have to travel to the local VA Outpatient Clinic in Georgetown (twelve miles away) to visit his doctor.

I was informed that this first time visit will take a couple of hours. Visiting will be a VA doctor and a nurse. This visit is to setup Bill.  I have to have all his medications ready. They will give him a comprehensive physical. At this time I will ask them what I can do about feeding Bill. I'm even ready to take on the feeding tube in the stomach option now, seeing how Bill is struggling with swallowing liquids.

Another increasing problem we have is Bill's mental condition at the end of day. He has the classic "Sundowner's Syndrome." He's so confused at the end of the day which for him starts about five PM. It's especially hard on me because Bill can't process what I'm saying to him. He still knows who I am and where he is but that's about it. The rest of what's going on around him confuses him. Even taking his pills and going downstairs to his bedroom. 

Again and again I'll say it. I am so thankful that I can take care of Bill here at his home where he is comfortable. Eventually he will pass on and I hope when that time comes it is peaceful for him here at his home. I just can't bear to think of him in a "facility" or a hospital. The last few years he's been in the hospital too many times already. Even though they took excellent care of him at those hospitals and rehab facilities there truly is no place like home. 

Today was a beautiful fall day. While I was taking advantage of this glorious day around noon time, I saw where Bill came out for a walk. I've posted that video at the beginning of this blog post. This is what it is all about now folks. Enjoying and treasuring whatever time we have left together.