Wednesday, July 21, 2021

"It's Hot!"

Bill eating his hot oatmeal



 "It's hot!" That's what I say twice a day when I serve Bill his twice daily meal of oatmeal. 

Originally I said "It's hot!" to give him a warning that the bowl of oatmeal was micro wave oven hot. Bill began repeating "It's hot!" as I placed the bowl of hot oatmeal in his lap. I repeat "It's hot!" and Bill repeats "It's hot!" We both know this is a little bit of levity at this time of our life when we both know Bill is fading. 

Bill doesn't want to leave me. He's tired and wants to die but he doesn't want to leave me. It's a conundrum. 

I keep telling myself "He's not in pain and he knows who I am." And those two facts are so important at this time of our life, watching Bill slowly die. 

We're all going to die of course, but Bill is nearer to death now. 

Bill sleeps most of the day. Any activity exhausts him. 

His blood pressure is constantly low. 

He is losing weight.

His speech is almost unintelligible. 

His vision is almost totally gone. He only sees me as a shadow. 

Bill is still able to walk up the stairs from his basement bedroom and bathroom. However, it is getting harder and harder for him to climb those thirteen steps. He so loves his bedroom and privacy. 

Our hospice service says they will provide a hospital bed for him upstairs but Bill would rather stay in his basement bedroom. We will do that as long as he can climb those stairs. I'm not sure what I'll do if he can't climb those stairs anymore. Stay downstairs and never see the light of day again? I don't think so. I think that hospice supplied hospital bed might me in our future. 

We both agree that if he peacefully passes away in his sleep, that is the best solution.  

We all have to go sometime and yes, passing away peacefully in our sleep is the best exit. That's my wish for me. I would not want to go the way Bill is going now. Eyesight failing, profound hearing loss, (although his near hearing aids help), and exhaustion. 

Again and I can't repeat this enough, he knows who I am and is not in pain. That's what we'll go with now and for which I am so thankful.


Bill at one of his rare times of getting out of our car. Yesterday at Ace Hardware, but he was so exhausted me had to sop and rest on that grill.




14 comments:

Julie A. said...

My sister went away for 4 days so I went and spent time with my 90 year old Dad who lives with her. I thought about you a lot! My Dad is not as mobile as Bill but I too am so glad he is not in pain and knows who I am. I am grateful for what he can do and what we have. I am immensely grateful that he has my sister taking care of him. I am grateful so much that you are there for Bill. I am glad you have an outlet to share your thoughts and feelings. Know that those of us out here are sending you light, love and strength each day.
Take care
Julie A

Ron said...

Julie A.,
Bill and I are truly blessed that we can be together at this time of our lives. Whatever happens in the future, I will always remember how fortunate I was to be able to take care of Bill and his last memories will be of my love and his home that he loves so much.
Ron

Anonymous said...

Why treat a hospital bed as " something for the future " ?
Bill is 97 years old and his future is now and today !
Bring in the hospital bed even when he is not using it yet .
A prepaired person is also a person who is looking ahead .
What is the point waiting till he can't make the 13 steps up or down ?

Elle Clancy said...

You two are very lucky to have each other. A blessing.♥ I know how hard it is, and is getting, but you are doing the best you can. And Bill is so comforted being home w/you. That is priceless.

Travel said...

My father argued with hospice about a bed, and in the end, he dictated where he wanted it, how he wanted it placed, and why he wanted it that way. I am so glad we honored his last bastion of control.

Ur-spo said...

Again I am glad to know you are being supported by love here in the comments.

Joel Reisteter said...

Quoting Ron: "Bill doesn't want to leave me. He's tired and wants to die but he doesn't want to leave me."
That is the most powerful sentence that defines your love for each other.

Ron said...

Anonymous,
Not ready for the hosptial bed yet. Bill wouldn't use it anyway. We'll still keeping doing the stairs as long as we can.
Ron

Ron said...

Elle,
Bill and I are indeed very lucky to have each other at this time of our lives. So fortunate.
Ron

Ron said...

Ur-spo,
You know what I'm gong through. As hard as this is I am thankful that I have the opportunity to be with Bill at this time of our lives. I just cannot imagine living here alone and knowing he was in some warehouse waiting to die. We are so fortunate.
Ron

Ron said...

Joel,
You understand. This is hard for both of us now but we both know we are so fortunate to be together now.
Ron

Ron said...

Travel,
When Bill can no longer do the stairs, the bed in the sunroom is where he will be. He understand that and has accepted that fact.
Ron

Anonymous said...

Sending you good thoughts today! Hugs from Margaret in Rehoboth💕

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Caregiver Update

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