|Bill eating his hot oatmeal|
"It's hot!" That's what I say twice a day when I serve Bill his twice daily meal of oatmeal.
Originally I said "It's hot!" to give him a warning that the bowl of oatmeal was micro wave oven hot. Bill began repeating "It's hot!" as I placed the bowl of hot oatmeal in his lap. I repeat "It's hot!" and Bill repeats "It's hot!" We both know this is a little bit of levity at this time of our life when we both know Bill is fading.
Bill doesn't want to leave me. He's tired and wants to die but he doesn't want to leave me. It's a conundrum.
I keep telling myself "He's not in pain and he knows who I am." And those two facts are so important at this time of our life, watching Bill slowly die.
We're all going to die of course, but Bill is nearer to death now.
Bill sleeps most of the day. Any activity exhausts him.
His blood pressure is constantly low.
He is losing weight.
His speech is almost unintelligible.
His vision is almost totally gone. He only sees me as a shadow.
Bill is still able to walk up the stairs from his basement bedroom and bathroom. However, it is getting harder and harder for him to climb those thirteen steps. He so loves his bedroom and privacy.
Our hospice service says they will provide a hospital bed for him upstairs but Bill would rather stay in his basement bedroom. We will do that as long as he can climb those stairs. I'm not sure what I'll do if he can't climb those stairs anymore. Stay downstairs and never see the light of day again? I don't think so. I think that hospice supplied hospital bed might me in our future.
We both agree that if he peacefully passes away in his sleep, that is the best solution.
We all have to go sometime and yes, passing away peacefully in our sleep is the best exit. That's my wish for me. I would not want to go the way Bill is going now. Eyesight failing, profound hearing loss, (although his near hearing aids help), and exhaustion.
Again and I can't repeat this enough, he knows who I am and is not in pain. That's what we'll go with now and for which I am so thankful.
|Bill at one of his rare times of getting out of our car. Yesterday at Ace Hardware, but he was so exhausted me had to sop and rest on that grill.|