Friday, July 20, 2018

I Can't Do That!

Changing a flat tire on our Chevy Corvair st Skyline Drive, Virginia 0966 (posed picture - Fake News!)

This is a post a long time coming. 

A fellow blogger (Dr. Spo) recently posted a list of thing he can't do. That gave me an idea to do my own post of things I can't do. Or more appropriately I can't do well or I won't do.

Fasten your seatbelts, here goes:

  1. Changing a flat tire. Yes, I admit somewhat shamefully, I've never in my life changed a flat tire. I joined AAA in 1982 specifically so if I ever had a flat tire, I would have to change it. Of course I've never used AAA to change flat tire (I had one once but I drove home on the flat and had Bill change it).  The annual dues I've spent the past thirty-six years to AAA would have made a nice down payment on a new car but hey, I won't have to worry about breaking my fingernails changing a flat. The picture at the beginning of this blog, it was posed. Fake.
  2. Running. I can't run. I can sort of gallop like a drunken ostrich but I can't run. My junior year in high school I was on the track team. I "ran" the mile and high hurdles. I always came in last. A few years ago when I tore my quadricep muscle on my left leg as a result of slipping on the ice and dislocating my knee, my orthopedic surgeon showed me X-Rays of my legs. He informed me that my knee sockets are off kilter. He expressed amazement that I haven' dislocated my knees more often. The last time I dislocated my knee was when I was in the Army on the early Sixties, I dislocated my knee in the other leg. 
  3. Jumping. Every year Pat and I attend a "Price is Right" TV show taping. I worry about not being able to jump up and down in excitement if and when I'm called to "Come on down!" Now I know why I can't jump, my ill fitting knee joints. No way I'm jumping if I'm called to "Come on down!"  I can see it now, I'm standing next to Drew Carey and I win a car and I jump and down and promptly dislocate my knee.  That would be a tape they would put on the loop and show to future attendees.
  4. Screaming. I never could scream. I try and I just can't do it. I notice little girls can emit ear piercing screams with ease. I try but all that comes out of my throat is like I'm gagging. One time I did scream though, or something like it. I was stepping out of our car at our new wooded property in Chester County, Pennsylvania. When I saw my foot almost step on a coiled up snack I screamed like a little girl. So that scream is within me, I just have a psychological barrier to screaming. . . . like a little girl.
  5. Heterosexual sex. Can't do "it" folks. Oh sure I tried, way back in the Sixties when I was stationed at Ft. Meade, Maryland. Her name was Judy. Very nice woman. I won't go into details for obvious good taste reasons (in fact I feel a little uncomfortable even discussing this "I can't" here), but a certain body part didn't work. And you men know, THAT part has to work. Haven't tried since. I didn't want a repeat of that embarrassing incident. Thank goodness "Judy" didn't spread the word about my failure to "show up".  I probably would have lost my security clearance at NSA where I worked at that time.  Thank you Judy
  6. Algebra. Never got it. My brain doesn't work that way. I managed to pass an algebra course in college to get my degree but I've forgotten all that logic.  Besides, why would I ever need algebra anyway? To measure a room?  Maybe, occasionally I'm asked how big our hotels rooms are.  Now that's when I could use algebra to figure that out.
  7. Anything mechanical. Thank goodness Bill is mechanically inclined. I'm useless in that area. However, I put a nail in the wall to hang a picture.
  8. Sky diving. My first boyfriend surprised me one Saturday morning visit with a sky diving adventure. My response was "Are you crazy?  I'm not jumping out of any plane? Why would I do that?"
  9. Sing. Oh how I wish I could sing. I was in men's and mixed chorus in high school but my tone deaf voice was drowned out by those who could sing.
  10. Dance. I love to dance. But I have to admit I do the "Elaine Dance."  I dance anyway.
  11. Hunt.  Like in killing animals. When I was ten years old I killed a robin that was innocently sitting on a telephone line with my new bee bee gun. As I watched that robin fall silently off that telephone line to the macadam road, a feeling of nausea swept over me. "What did I just do?"  Why did I think I had the right to kill this living thing that was just enjoying a sunny summer day of rest on that telephone line?  I decided then and there I wasn't cut out to be a macho hunter. I was a sissy. At least I thought so (that I was a sissy) at that time. Later on in my life I found out that I wasn't the only person who felt like this about killing.  I can kill a mosquito and a fly but that's about it. I even give snakes a pass. The real snakes that is, not the human ones.
  12. Speak a foreign language. One of the great regrets of my life is that I didn't learn to speak a foreign language. I've always been interested in languages and I think I would have been a good student. My fantasy was to live in a foreign culture a year or two to learn the language from the roots. Alas, this was a fantasy of mine that has never been realized. Spanish would be my first choice of course. 
  13. Play the piano. I think I would have been a good piano player. I have long fingers, I love music and I an an excellent typist.  I used to envy some of my classmates in elementary school who complained about going to their piano lessons. I wish my Mother had sent me for piano lessons. That was not to be. However, I did learn to play the Sousaphone in senior high school.  I got to go to all the football games and play in concerts. Loved it! 
  14. Eat seafood. Seafood literally gags me. Even thinking about that fishy smell causes the bile in my stomach to rise to my throat. In the past I could manage a tuna fish sandwich but as I've gotten older, I can't even stomach tuna fish.
  15. Vote Republican. I started out my adult life as a Republican. My first vote for president was for Barry Goldwater. I believed Nixon during the Watergate scandal. Needless to say, it was an eye opener when I found out Nixon was a crook. I continued to vote predominately Republican most of my adult life because I believe in Republican principals. I changed my registration in 2001 when president George W. Bush and his administration tried to take away my promised veterans' benefits. Benefits that were promised me when I signed up for a three year enlistment with the Army in 1960. However, since I change my registration, I still occasionally voted Republican. No more, the Republican party as I knew it no longer exists. It is now the Trump party. The Republican/Trump is the party of cowards and traitors. I'm an American. I am proud of our American ideals. This president and those cowardly elected Republicans who mindlessly still support Trump in spite of all his outrages are not patriotic Americans. Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan? Cowards. Traitors. Self serving. Out to destroy my life by destroying the social safety net (Social Security and Medicare) and reverse rights like Choice and LGBT marriage equality. This period of time will go down in history in as much infamy as those politicians who approved the internment of Japanese American citizens during World War II. Cowards and traitors is NOT too strong a word.
Now, I didn't mean to end this list on such a negative tone but I am very concerned for the safety and welfare of our country. And right now folks we are at a very dangerous time for our country, the most dangerous in my lifetime and that is no exaggeration.

My next list will be things I CAN do. Positive!

Have a great day!


Deedles said...

I empathize with you on most of this, not the heterosexual sex part. I just have one question. The screaming part. Why did almost stepping on a coiled snack make you scream? Was it a fruit roll up? Okay, that's two questions. I know it is supposed to be snake, but snack made me giggle. Have an exceptionally good weekend, Ron.

Ron said...

I think I screamed when I almost stepped on that coiled snake. I made noise like I never made before. It came deep within me. It wasn't your typical Little Girl Ear Piercing Scream but it was a noise I never made before. Funny thing though, I think that make was more afraid of me because it quickly scurried away. I found out later it was a harmless non poisonous king snake. What shocked me though was the intricate two tone design (black and orange) it had on it's body. You have a great weekend too Deedles! You don't empathize with me on the "heterosexual part?" Heterosexual sex is so against my grain, actually abhorrent. I don't know other gay guys do it but they do. Maybe gay guys are degrees gay. Well, I'm 100% gay.

Deedles said...

You know, Ron, now that I think about it, I don't scream either. Balder Half used to sneak up on me to see how I'd react to, say, a rapist coming upon me from behind. I'd freeze and fall down! BH said I was a rapist's dream. Balder Half also got sore biceps from my recovery punches. Memories light the corners of my mind......

Linda said...

Straight guys often have that same part that won't work, especially the first time. I do appreciate a gay guy who picks his side and sticks to it. That is strange about your knees and how long it took someone to figure it out. I have never changed a tire, but as long as there is a guy around who is willing to change one, even if I have to pay money, I will never change one. I really laughed about the snack you almost stepped on. Was it a Honey Bun? I agree about seafood. The seafood dept a Publix makes me wretch as I come in the door. I can only eat StarKist as the rest is nasty. I, too, refuse to jump out of a mechanically sound airplane. I took piano lessons, can dance, and studied several foreign languages. I have always voted Democrat.

WARPed said...

Hi Ron,

I do/have done everything on your list except hunting and skydiving. My Dad and Grandad were not hunters, so I never learned. They were both pool sharks, however, and I ended up being a pretty good pool shooter.

I was an Army Infantryman for a few years, so I have had plenty of experience with a myriad of weapons, but never got into killing animals, although I recognize hunting as a legitimate activity.



bobc said...

Good one Ron. I guess we all go through life wanting to do something we just can't do.

Ur-spo said...

I think you should learn Spanish.

Ron said...

You are funny! I think we all have a stereotyped image of people screaming when confronted with danger. At all other times when I was unexpectedly confronted with danger (except for THAT snake) I have done the same thing, freeze. No screams. Just my mind working quickly on how to get out of that situation. "Balder Half", you must tell more. I'm intrigued!

Ron said...

I LOVE YOU! We have a LOT in common. If I do eat tuna fish, only white albacore will do. Not that cat food lower grade tuna fish. To tell you the truth, even though I had a lot of social pressure on me when I grew up in the Fifties to marry and "settle down" even though I knew I was sexually attracted to men, I did think about what that would do to any woman that I married. During high school I had a girlfriend (Vivian, who looked like and reminded me of my Mother) who I probably could have married. But I thought "I can't ruin her life" because I knew I would always be sexually and emotionally attracted to men. During my Army days I had several girlfriends (Maria and Peggy) who were very nice but again, I couldn't ruin their lives, they were just too nice. I guess I'm passing judgement here but I have little respect for gay guys who do marry knowing that they are in a sham marriage. To me they're selfish. There may be exceptions. I have a lifelong friend (since grade school) who appears to be happily married but I know he is gay because he often came on to me. I don't know if his wife knows or not but if that works for them, fine. Wouldn't work for me. As it is I have two men in my life now but both are aware of the other. We have that "understanding". I envy you having taken piano lessons and studied foreign languages. And always voted Democrat. I can't say the same about always voting Democrat but I know see the Light. Thanks for your comments Linda!

Ron said...

Hi Andy,
My father was a hunter but neither me nor my brothers were interested in hunting. When he died my Mother said each of us inherited his rifles. We didn't want them. She gave them to the son of his hunting buddy. Like you, I recognize hunting as a legitimate activity, not "sport" as it if often referred to. There is no "sport" about it. The hunter definitely has the advantage, wouldn't you say? I'm pretty good at pool and love to play but you could probably beat me. I joined the Army so I WOULDN'T become an infantryman. I DID NOT want to shoot anybody or have anybody shoot at me. I had a desk job my whole three years except for basic training and once a year to qualify with "my weapon". Thanks for your comment Andy. Have a great day!

Ron said...

Hi Bob,
In my next life, I'm going to try accomplish some of those goals. Hopefully I'll have more self confidence at a young age in that life unlike this life, in which I had very little self confidence. Now that I'm older and more experienced, I would probably have tried to do more.

Ron said...

I do too! I know a few phrases.

Deedles said...

Well, Ron, I'm the Queen of T.M.I. so waddaya need to know?

Ron said...

I think I'll pass (smile)