Thursday, April 10, 2014

God's Doodle: The Life and Times of the Penis

How about that for an attention getting title of a blog post?  Can't help yourself can you?  You HAVE to read on.

By the way, this is one post that's going to cause conniptions of those of my family and (former) friends who have tried (without much success) to censor my blog postings.  You know what they say, "adult content, if you're uncomfortable move on to the next blog." 

Now are you ready?  Fasten your seat belts and let's explore "The Life and Times of the Penis."

Actually folks, this is the title of a book by Thomas Hickman.  A book which I am ordering today from  One can never know enough about the penis, especially in our Puritan infused culture which insures hypocrisy in talking about anything sexual as BAD.  Folks, it isn't bad. We're all human and anatomy and sex is part of the human condition.  If it wasn't then we wouldn't be here.  So get over your hang ups, okay?

Caught jerking off

The following is a synopsis of the book from Amazon's website:

"It’s not the size of God’s Doodle that matters; it’s the inside that counts. The macabre and the bloodcurdling, the funny and the sad, distilled from myth, world cultures, religion, literature, science, medicine and contemporary life; when it comes to the penis everyone’s a critic. “When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground.” –Yiddish Proverb

Throughout history, man has revered his penis as his “most precious ornament.” From small to large, thick to thin, smooth to wrinkled, Hickman lets the history of this mystery hangout for all to see. It is a stiff subject, but we easily settle in with the likes of Bill Clinton, Michelangelo’s David,

and Shakespeare as they followed their heads. With precious detail given to precious material, if you were to wrap your hands around anything less than two-inches, it should be God’s Doodle, a brilliant history of the penis that hits the topic right on the head. It reaches through time and looks at how the penis trended long before one was ever posted on Twitter.

You will be impotent with both laughter and information as you read “’subtly, unhurriedly and mercilessly’ (Alex Comfort The Joy of Sex),” as Hickman discusses ancient literatures and mathematical quandaries of possible positions, such as Greece’s “the lion on the cheese-grater,” which still keeps scholars from being cocksure about the potential."

My personal history of the penis starts with my family.  Up until the time I entered seventh grade in high school the only penis's I saw were my two younger brothers and my father (who was frequently naked or in his loose jockey type underwear around the house).  The only other penis I saw in person was my few years older cousin (observed while changing swim suits).  

The Kona "Whitey Tighty Run"

My brothers and I are all circumcised and I assumed all males were.  When I saw my cousin I thought he had a deformed penis, with that long "wand" at the end.  It wasn't until many years later that I knew that was foreskin and he was uncircumcised. In fact, since this was the Fifties I didn't even know the word circumcised.  I thought all men (and boys) were "normal."  

Glinda (Billie Burke), the Good Witch of the East with her "wand" - only witched and fairy god mothers should have "wands"

My next big (no pun intended) "discovery" was entering 7th grade in high school and subject to "taking the showers" after gym class.  Like most other 12 year old boys of my generation, I was terrified of going naked.  I remember our gym teacher gathering us all together before our first gym period and telling us "I know many of you are afraid of getting undressed and taking showers.  Let me assure you they all LOOK the same."  Well folks, this was the first BIG LIE of my entry to the forefront of adulthood.  Again, no pun intended.  

The first shower?  Oh God, everyone was DIFFERENT.  I was on overload.  Being a young gay man (which I didn't even know that word "gay" even, I just knew I was "different" and, yes, fascinated with the penis).  Well folks, I found out that I wasn't fascinated with ALL penises.  In fact I could just as well passed on that Parade of Penises every gym class.  Oh sure, there were a few "normal" ones, but most penises I saw were misshapen, discolored or too small.  Oh yes, I am being very subjective which I make no apologies.  

Channing Tatum - Actor

Again, growing up in a family where we were "normal" (size, color, shape and circumcised), anything that varied from that "norm", repealed me.  Harsh?  Yes, but that's me.  

Ryan Gosling and Steve Carrell (the head) from the movie "Crazy, Stupid, Love." 

So that was high school.  The next big (again, no pun intended) exposure to penises came when I was in the Army.  Now we're talking serious business folks.  These were adult, fully, matured penises.  Not that I looked all that much (well, some) but I was worried that if I did I would become aroused and how would I explain THAT.  For you straight guys, imagine taking a shower with a bunch of naked women.  That's how my three years in the Army was.  I always tried to take a shower when my Army buddies were somewhere else.  Mostly I succeeded, sometimes not and those were trying times folks.  

Well, anyway folks I'm starting to ramble here.  Last night will perusing Amazon to order more books I came across this one and it looked like fun so I'm gonna order it.  By the way, an interesting fact about circumcision,  according to this book do you know why circumcision became more widespread in the last century?  Not because of the Jewish religion but because of the lingering influence of the Victorian culture thought that by circumcising young boys, the practice of masturbation would be eliminated.  Oh those Victorians, always on the lookout for stop that nasty sex (even though Queen Victoria had……how many children)?

The Old Queen


Jon said...

Wow, the title of this post certainly grabbed my attention. And my very first thought was "I wonder how many people will unfriend Ron after seeing this one?" (but you can bet that they'll read it.....and secretly enjoy it). I'm delighted that you're courageous enough to give all those homophobes the shaft (no pun intended, of course). And you've given my blog some very stiff competition..........

I've read a few books about Queen Victoria....and surprisingly enough she was hot, horny, and eager to indulge in the delights of the flesh. Still waters run deep......
As for sure as hell never stopped me from jacking off (*smile*).

anne marie in philly said...


you just MUST tell us how many people unfriend you after this post!

Travel said...

should be an interesting read

Geo. said...

Great post, Ron. Gym class was indeed an adjustment but I remember wishing everybody would get undressed in other classes too. Geometry would've been lots more fun.

Amanda said...

You will have to review the book for us! Great post!

Ron said...

Thanks Nadege. The book is written by a Brit. No American, with out uptightness, could write such a book on this subject with humor and fact. Should be an interesting read and I will definitely review.

Ron said...

I got to see a lot in high school but I missed a lot too. We did have an advantage in high school didn't we that straights don't have? And no harm was done. Just because I got a few peeks Armageddon didn't rain down on us nor did I turn into a piller of salt.

Ron said...

You know that we live in a culture who is so intimidated, and afraid of penises. It's no wonder a Brit had to write this book. No American could have done it what with the Puritan guilt we have in this country.

Ron said...

Anne Marie,
Those who have unfriended me have done so already a long time ago. However, they still read my posts but now they must suffer their indignation in silence since they cut me off a long time ago. Good.

Ron said...

Those who have in the past attempted to put the reins on me have long since distanced themselves from me in their great, agrieved indignation that I dared to write what they did not approve. I know they still read my posts but now it doesn't make a differnce other than it reaffirms their decision to jettison their friendship with me, the wild scalawag that I am.
I would love to know what idiot (and there is no other more accurate word for it) who determined that a circumcised penis discouraged masturbation. Probably one of those medical or government "experts" who doesn't know crap.
And by the way, I loved your double entrendres.

Jon said...

That's a funny one, Geo. I think a naked algebra class would have increased its popularity.
Ron, I was always extremely myopic and vanity prevented me from wearing my glasses in school, so I was never really able to see the naked guys in my gym class.

Raybeard said...

I've always wondered whether it was Michelangelo's in-joke to depict his David as being UNcircumcised. He, above all, with his consuming interest in young men, would have been aware of the incongruity. Maybe he was advised by his patron to do it that way as not to draw too much attention to the subject's Jewishness - though, in fact, that is precisely what it DOES do. I've done much musing on the subject but no one else seems to care.

Anonymous said...

Ron, I'd read "Carrie" by Stephen King by the time I had to take PE, which was 9th grade for me (thank you library!). PE was only one semester of hell, and it was at the end of the day for me. Smear the Queer via Dodgeball, and my PE instructor took gleeful pleasure in it. I did manage to brain him once in a game and was glad that I might have hurt him (broke his sports glasses and hopefully hurt him bad; he was also my math teacher for the year before and he always made fun of me for getting the answers right). Thankfully, showering was optional, since we had to catch the bus fast in my area. I wasn't worried about measuring up so much as I was just getting beat up again, which I did on the bus (the "playing" field already took care of that!). The bus ride took care of more beating and bullying, but at least I had my clothes on. It took me a couple of years to fight back, but once I did then a few other guys stood up for me on the bus. I wish I could let those guys know how much it meant to me at the time, but I was just paralyzed with fear and didn't say thanks at the time. Finally my parents let me drive to school when I broke down and let them know my twice daily bus torment.

I guess I just want to say good for you for living your life openly while you can. I'm sorry that others may have problems with that. They are missing out on the whole experience of your life. Please keep being you.

~~~ NB

Ron said...

I am so sorry to hear that you were bullied in school. I was a few times but I fought back and it ended. I think just about every kid is tested at one time or another by a bully, even in adulthood. Seems to be the nature of some people, to bully others. Again, I am sorry that you had to endure such horrible conditions at a time when you should have had a worry free childhood before growing into adulthood with all it's problems. Thank you for your encouragement to me for living my life openly. I guess one could say some are still trying to bully me by telling me how to live MY life. Never ceases to amaze me at how some people are concerned at how I live MY life. One would think they have enough with their own lives.

Ron said...

Something I never considered, of course you're right in that David would have been circumcised. Even back then during Michaelangelo's day the powers that be were censoring and altering facts. Just goes to show you that I'm still learning. Thanks for this "tidbit" of information (no pun intended….well maybe).

Ron said...

I have to say I didn't miss much while I was in high school.

David Jeffreys said...

Another book on the penis you might enjoy is A Mind Of Its Own .

Then again, you can spend hours reading my NSFW blog UncutPlus (http// In it is a post "Who Your Blogger Is" in which I reveal my own sex life over the years!