Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Early Morning Comedy

I wasn't going to write about what happened this morning but after telling my friend Pat what happened, he said "You HAVE to write about that on your blog!"

So here's what happened folks.  Because I had food poisoning

a few days ago, from which I still haven't fully recovered, I decided to toss all of my "antique" food from my freezer chest.  Yes folks, I am ashamed to admit that I have food that's been frozen in that chest since we moved here in 2007!!!!  See why I didn't want to write about it.

But wait, my story gets better.

I was going to dive into the freezer chest after Bill went to bed last night to get the poison old food and put it in our Waste Management containers that Bill puts out before he goes to bed.  For some reason, Waste Management stops by our neighborhood very early in the morning.  Usually between 6 and 7 am. 

So after Bill goes to bed I go down to get the food.  I hear the rain beating down outside.  All days it's been raining off and on but now…'s POURING (like in the movies with the hose).

I decided to wait until morning.  I get up very early this morning (5:30 am).  Of course Bill is already up.  I asked him "Did the garbage truck come yet?"  He says "No."  I rush down stair to the basement where our freezer chest is located and start digging.  As I'm struggling up the basement stairs Bill wants to know what I'm doing.  So much for sneaking out the old food when he was sleeping.  

I tell him "Leave me alone! I'm going something!" and I rush outside to get rid of the food.  He says "They already came!" Well, why DIDN'T HE TELL ME THAT BEFORE?  The answer?  He didn't hear me.  Bill is hard of hearing.  So many problems because of his not hearing me.  This is just another one.

So, while he's berating me I make a quick decision and dump my boxes of frozen food into my neighbor's recycle container.  I would dump it in ours but it was crammed.  And of course, I should be dumping food in ANY recycle container because they are very FIRM about NON-RECYLCABLES.  

Of course when I went to do this my neighbor across the street was backing out of her driveway.  So I'm standing there waiting for her to back out and she's not moving, probably wondering WTF I'm doing messing around trash cans this early in the morning.  And did I mention?  I was COLD this morning!  Frost on the ground.  And I had just taken a shower.  Yep, I'm out in the below freezing weather (what ever happened to Spring?) with a damp head (in more ways than one obviously to my neighbor probably).

Anyway, after I dump the offending and OLD food into my neighbor's recycling container I got a major case of the GUILTS.  They're away but due back today.  What if they come back and find out that I breached Neighborly Etiquette? 

You know that they say about Character, it's what you do when no one's looking.  I may be deficient in a lot of areas bug one area I have always prided myself on is my honesty and character.  

I go out and yes…..TRASH PICK.  I lean into my neighbor's trash can and take out ALL THE FOOD containers I put in there.  Bill sees all this on his security camera and greets me with a "What will the neighbors think of you going into the trash cans!?"  Ever been in a situation that you realize is spinning completely out of control.  Well folks, this isn't over yet. 
Artfully removing trash from a dumpster

I decided I'm going to take the offending old frozen antique food down to the dumpster outside of Walmart and do a drive by trash dump.  Bill says "Why go all the way down there?  Just dump it on out compost pile."  I said "I don't want to do that because it will draw skunks (the black and white kind who create a big stink when agitated),

I'll take it out to the end of the lane."  There is an abandoned house site out there that is overgrown that we frequently use to dump trimming from our shrubs and trees.

I gather up my old antique frozen food yet again and struggle out the back yard across the crackling grass that was frosted over last night when I hear Bill yelling at me.  "Come back!  Come back!"  I turn and go back.  He said "I didn't know you had THAT much!"  We decided to go down to the Walmart parking lot on Route One which backs up to the Taco Bell, Friendly's and KC Chicken.  They have massive food dumpster back there.  Time for a Drive By dump of old antique frozen food. 

We drive down Route One.  Of course the sun is up now blazing directly into our faces.  The sun is coming through exactly in the middle of the winder, the window visors are useless.

Semi-blinded we turn into the Walmart parking lot.  We back up to one of the dumpster, I think it was the Taco Bell one, appropriate since I think I got my food poisoning on Mexican frozen food.  

As I'm lifting my box of goodies I see a massive sign that says 


I pause for a long two seconds and decide…..not to dump.  That's all I need, a $500 fine.  And I would probably get it too.  Who knows what cameras they have positioned out there.  I'm sure I'm not the only miscreant to decided to take this shortcut.

Dumpster Diving

So, I take my box of frozen antique old food back into my car.  Oh yes, it's still frozen because the morning is still frozen at 30 degrees.  

We go back home.  So what do you think?  You got it right.  I loaded the antique old frozen food back in the freezer and there it will stay until next week at which time I will put it out the NIGHT BEFORE. 

Pepperridge Farm Puff Pastry circa 2006 - time flies when you're having fun

So that folks was my Early Morning Comedy.  

I just saw Bill a few minutes ago.  He gave me a look that was a mixture of sadness and exasperation and said "I think you're losing it Ron."  You think?


anne marie in philly said...

you are correct to dump all that old food; but yeah, wait til trash day next week. it's not wasted because you might get sick eating it.

Amanda said...

That's a funny story!

Ron said...

Anne Marie,
Should have done it a long time ago.

Ron said...

When I told Pat this story this morning, he urged me to write about it on my blog. I didn't want to because it was so stupid but maybe I can see the humor in it now. I'm so stupid for keeping all this old food. What was I thinking?

Roger said...


David Jeffreys said...

What was so funny were all the ways you tried without success to get rid of the food! And then ended up with it again until next week.

I once had a large bag of garbage at the farm to dispose of with no pickup. Usually I brought it back to Wilmington with me, but Barry and I were planning to stay at the farm for a while longer. I remember it was a Saturday because the Metropolitan Opera was on the car radio as we drove around to dumpsters to rid ourselves of the big black bag. But the big signs with fines also scared us off. Finally, we discarded it in a dumpster outside of the kitchen area of the local community college. I was looking around for cameras that might be watching and being able to see my vehicle license plate and our mugs. Actually got away with it!

pat888 said...

Ron - sorry about all the discomfort - but that was hilarious!! It's pure hollywood. I laughed more this second time round with the great visuals.


Jon said...

That's a hilarious story and I'm glad you shared it. It sounds exactly like something I would do (my entire life is like a Woody Allen movie).
Simple things have a way of snowballing into catastrophes......

nitewrit said...


That was pretty funny reading, but all along I thought why didn't he just put it back into the freezer and put it out for the next garbage run? By the way, if Bill was watching you on your security camera…do your neighbor's have security cameras? I think I'll talk to Stuart about writing a sitcom about the Rampages of Ronald!


Ron said...

"why didn he just put it back in the freezer and put it out for the next garbage?" - BECAUSE most of the items were in the very bottom of my freezer chest - I didn't want to go through that whole rigerole again, I just wanted to get RID OF IT since I already had it out but I just kept running into one roadblock after another. You know how it is, you start one little thing and it grows and grows into absurdity.
And by the way, only one neighbor has a security camera and he's two doors up. He probably saw me and will report me. I expect a call from the Murphy's when they get back. That's why I got ahead of this story and posted it on my blog.

Ron said...

I have so many stories of simple thing snowballing into catastrophes. Unbelievable. One thing I do have to get rid of is this stockpile of food I have which I will never eat, including all the dried pasta I have in my pantry closet. By the way, my life is a Woody Allen movie.

Ron said...

I couldn't believe how the simple act of trying to throw out some old frozen food turned into comedy sketch. Everything I did I hit a roadblock. I am destined to never get rid of this food! Let me tell you, once I get rid of it I'll never fill up my freezer again. NEVER!

Ron said...

A simple act of throwing food out turns into a Woody Allen movie. I half expected to see Ashton Kutcher show up with his "Punked" crew.

Ron said...

You understand! I probably could have gotten away with a "driveby dump" at Taco Bell but that $500 fine had my eyes bulging.

Anonymous said...

I hahahaha can't hahahahaha stop hahahahaha laughing hahahahahahaha to hahahahahahaha type! This HARDEEHARHAR is HEEHAW too CHUCKLE funny.

Peace LOL <3

Raybeard said...

I THINK I followed all that, but can't be sure. So I'd better read it again.

Travel said...

Very funny and I love Bills comment at the end.

Ur-spo said...

This entry is pure rubbish!