Sunday, July 21, 2013

First Crush

Robert Joseph Murdaugh

We've all had our First Crush.  Lately I've been thinking about my first infatuation.  Of course the object of my amorous delusions fantasies was a guy.  Hey, I'm gay and I've known I was "gay" (back then I didn't know what "it" was but I knew I was different) since I was four years old, one year before I entered first grade in 1947.

I will give the full name of my first crush because I know in the past when I've given the full name, through the miracle of the search engines of our Internet age, he may find my humble posting.  I've had this happen in the past, sometimes with good results and sometimes not so good.  No, I'm not going to go there other than to say the son of the married man with family who first seduced me wasn't too thrilled that I posted my "First Time" about his dad.  Hey, it is what it is.  At least I answered a question his family always had "Was my dad gay?"  My answer to him was "He was when he was seducing with me."

So without further ado here is how I first fell in love with another man guy boy.  The year was 1954 and I was 12 years old.  His name was Robert Joseph Murdaugh and he was 14 years old.  


Oh yes, that's me to the far right with the rolled up jeans - a 12 year old hopelessly in love with an upperclassman two years my senior - 1954

I first saw him when I was riding to school on my school bus.  My school bus stop was Boot Road, Downingtown, PA.  He got on at the next stop which was by the quarry.  

To this day I remember clearly where he lived.  I could see his house from my seat in the school bus.  His house looked like the house of the Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe. I was always fascinated at how many of his brothers and sisters (all younger than him) emerged from that house on the corner right across from the quarry.  

There was his younger sister Joanne and his younger brother Clifford and several other younger siblings whose names I never knew but then there was HIM.  When he stepped up the steps on the bus I had to catch my breath.  I was mesmerized.  

That smile.
That wavy hair.
Those blue eyes.

I was too young to even think of THAT BODY but some inner sense knew that this was my dreamboat come true.



With great anticipation every day I would eagerly look forward to the Next Bus Stop when he would get on my bus.  Of course it was too much for me to ever hope that he would sit next to me.  And in all the years we took the same bus he never once did sit next to me so me MUST HAVE KNOWN that I was in LOVE with him.

Now folks, I'm going to get a little graphic here so if their are children in the room or you are a bit squeamish, might be best for you to move on to your next blog.  

So here's what happened next.  Almost every day I would see "Bobby" (as I called him) get on the bus.  I was in heaven even if I was only looking at the back of his wavy haired head most of the time on the bus.  I almost always did get to see him climb those steps and see THAT SMILE.

Then something strange happened a few weeks later.  I woke up one night and my bed was all "sticky."  I had NO IDEA what happened.  Now remember I was a very innocent kid in a small town in the Fifties.  No Internet and only Uncle Miltie on my small screen black and white Philco TV.

I guess most of you can figure out what happened that night.  I had my first "nocturnal emission."  In other words I had a wet dream.  

Later in life I have read stories about young girls who had their first period and were scared to death.  Hey folks, that was my first "period." I had NO IDEA what happened.  Of course it didn't take me too long to figure out what was going on, I was dreaming about HIM.

Now just to bring my fellow wise guys (you know who you are), I never had a "mentor" to show me the ways of burgeoning young adolescent sexual awareness.  In fact I never learned (make sure you're sitting down when you hear this) how to masturbate until I was twenty-seven years old! I know, I know.  No one believes me but this is a fact of my life.  Such things weren't taught in high school and certainly never talked about in my family.  

Okay folks, you can take your seat belts off now because I'm not going to get any more graphic than I just did.  Sorry if I offended any of my regular readers but this is the only way I could describe my "situation."

For the next four years I would often fantasize about "Bobby." In fact, my first pet, a cat I named "Bobby" in his honor.  That's how ridiculously lovesick I was.

"Bobby" my pet pussy cat 1954

I had many, many dreams about Bobby.  Many.  It got so that I could almost control my dreams.  

Then there came a time that Bobby graduated from high school.  He was a senior and I was a sophomore.


Interestingly, the year before in the yearbook (1956) we appeared "together".  That's me in the Ping Pong Club, third from the right in the back row.  Bobby is sitting on the ledge with the Stamp Club (he wasn't actually in the "Stamp Club" but was in the "Slide Rule Club") with his elbow leaning on his classmate to his right.  That was a close as I ever got to my fantasy.



Me, the tall one in the back on the right with the brick wall behind me - 1956
My fantasy man sitting on the window ledge next to "Todd" - 1956
I just about died when I saw this photo

All the years we went to high school together (four) he never spoke one word to me. Of course I was so shy and backwards I didn't dare say anything to him.  When he graduated in 1957 I felt like I lost something. Even though I didn't know him and we certainly weren't friends I always knew he was "there."  

I never knew what happened to him when he graduated from high school.  Just tonight I went on Ancestry.com and checked the Social Security Death Index to make sure he was still alive.  He must be because I couldn't find his name there.  However, I did find a marriage record for him in Ohio.  I also found an address for him in Ohio.  So he must have been straight, he got married.  Uh huh.  

So in all the years since, and especially now that I am at the end of my tenure here on earth, I've often wondered what became of my "Bobby."  

All I can say now though is that he was, even if he didn't know it, an integral and wonderful part of my adolescence and development of my sexual awareness. 

I've often wondered if he knew that I loved adored fantasized dreamed about liked him.  Well, if he didn't, he will now. 


20 comments:

  1. I think we all had someone like this: mine was named Eric. I wonder what happened to him.

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    1. You're right Dr. Spo! I think everyone, man or woman, gay or straight had that First Crush. This was mine and he was a beauty!

      Ron

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  2. The best looking guy in high school, GWC, was from Forest Hills, the fancy section of town, and I did not meet him until high school, as he went to other elementary and junior high schools being from another part of town. He was very popular, definitely on the "A" list, and made excellent grades as well as participating in Honor Society and all the best clubs. Just recently, I found out that he is a cousin, as we both have the same 4-great grandfather. Would a crush on him have been incest?

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    1. David,

      No, fourth cousins wouldn't be incest. Go for it!

      Ron

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  3. Hey Ron - oh that was so bitter sweet. I think if this gentle story were well known, along with it's author, a lot of barriers would be broken. Congrats on that wonderful piece..

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    1. patt888,

      Yes, unrequited love. I've often wondered if "Bobby" had any idea of how I felt about him. I think he did because he never once sat with me on that school bus, although there were plenty of opportunities to do so. Never once. I would probably have melted in my seat if he did.

      Ron

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  4. Oh my, what a kindly treatment of the past. You got me thinking of my 13-year-old self walking 5 miles to sit on a corral fence with a girl who would talk about the horses for an hour. Had no idea how I felt. Then I'd walk 5 miles home. Gee, we got a lot of exercise back then. Probably just what I needed.

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    1. Geo.,

      Five miles? Now that is a LONG walk. I don't know that I ever did that or would do that. You must have had "it" pretty bad. I used to walk all the time though, no car. Ah, to be young again.

      Ron

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  5. first crush for me was michael. he wanted nothing to do with me. he married a girl from our class and they live somewhere in PA.

    and I hear ya abut sex ed - there was NONE back then. parents didn't talk about sex, and your peers had all the wrong info. trial and error was the norm.

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    1. Anne Marie,

      You're not near as old as I am so you can imagine Sex Ed back in my day, the early Fifties. NONE. NADA. As you said, "trial and error", mostly error. And I didn't have peers. The closet I came to sex ed was my friend Larry telling me how babies were born. Until the time I was fourteen years old I really believed that babies were delivered to the hospital by stork! In fact I wanted to go to the Chester County Hospital to see where the storks landed. I think I mentioned that to Larry while we were out bicycling one summer afternoon and he decided to stop our bikes and get off and explain "the birds and bees" to me. I remember exactly where it happened, on Boot Road in Downingtown at the Trestle Bridge. He told me how babies were made. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! My parents did THAT! My father "peeing" into my Mom created me? Impossible! I thought he was playing a HUGE joke on me. I got back on my bike and put this ridiculous notion out of my mind. It wasn't until a few years later that I figured out that there was something else going on besides "peeing" when my father got with my Mother and produced me. But I still remember the disbelief I had when I first heard of how I was made.

      Ron

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  6. Hmm...you didn't learn to "do it" until age 27?

    But weren't you seduced at a much younger age? You didn't "connect the dots," as it were?

    In any case, I hope you've gotten all caught up in the intervening years, lol!

    :-)

    -Andy

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    1. Andy,

      Here's the deal on my history with masturbation or as we refer to "it" in this part of the country - jerking off.

      I would write about this in my regular blog post but I don't want to offend my large following of middle-aged straight ladies and most of my co-workers who read this blog, although my male co-workers would understand completely.

      The first I knew about jerking off was when I was in the Army when someone called me or others "jerk-offs." Remember, I come from a small town and grew up in the Fifties. NO SEXUAL INFORMATION. After a while I started to inquire to my Army buddies "what is a jerk off." I was told "that was playing with your dick to come." I didn't know how that worked. I didn't know how you could make yourself hard and cum. The only way I could have an orgasm was by a wet dream.

      Even after I came out at age 21 and had my first sexual experience with that married guy, I was always on the "receiving end" and I don't mean anal sex. Oral sex was performed on me, not the other way around. That continued for the next six years. Then came a time when the "jerking off" question came up again. Friends and even Bill couldn't believe I never "did it." Again, I said "How can you make yourself hard?" I asked him how he did it. He said he would flip through magazine pages of pictures of nude men and got hard. I tried that and NOTHING. Then came a day I was thinking about someone who turned me on and I became semi aroused. I told that to a friend and he said "Just think real hard (no pun intended) on it, while playing with yourself and you'll cum." Well, after several furtive tries, it actually worked! That happened when I was 27 years old. Of course I quickly made up for lost time and I am now "normal." I know how to "do it." I have my favorite stash of videos I use when needed. It took me awhile but I got "it." And yes, still many do not believe that I was 27 years old before I masturbated. Hey, maybe I can be entered into the Guinness's world book of records.

      Ron

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  7. I just love your blog because you're so damn honest. You tell all and leave no stones unturned. And you accompany it with great photos. I wish all bloggers had the guts to reveal their true selves (and use a large enough font so that we can read it).
    I reveal a helluva lot about myself but not quite as much as you. Most of my blog readers are middle-aged farm ladies and I don't want to be responsible for killing them with the shock.

    I had my first wet dream when I was thirteen and it involved the boy who lived next door (only in the dream). I don't think I ever had a first crush - - but I was hopelessly in love with the first guy I ever had sex with. I was 20 and he was 30. (Chuck is probably in an old folk's home by now.....).

    I'm still laughing at the fact that you actually gave the name of the married man who first seduced you - - - answering the question his family had, "Is Daddy gay?" That is really hysterically funny!

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    1. Jon,

      Thank you so much for understanding me. This is another reason why I like you so much. Yes, I am honest in my blog as you are. Of course we both know we can only go "so far." Believe me, I don't tell everything. My God, then I really would have the wrath of the family members down on me. As it is, I expect to get some blowback from "Bobby"s" family members. But I'm not removing this blog post because "it might make him feel uncomfortable." Hey, it's my life.

      Remember a year or so ago I wrote about "you show me yours and I'll show you mine?" That was when a childhood friend of mine checked each other's "equipment" out. I think we were both about eight or nine years olds. That was the first time I ever saw an uncircumcised penis. There was nothing sexual about it. Shortly after I posted that blog I heard from one of his daughters. She was HIGHLY OFFENDED and wanted me to remove the blog posting because she said it would "cause hurt to her dad if he read it" Well, I removed it but now I wish I hadn't. There wasn't anything harmful about that posting, it was my life. Maybe I would remove his name but one reason I put the full names is that I like to keep censorship to a minimum. I would love to write about some other "situations" but I can't because I really would cause harm to current friendships. But these people who I haven't seen in over half a century, do I really care? No. Should they care? No.

      I think it is interesting that many of your blog followers are middle aged farm ladies. Guess what? Many of my blog followers are middle aged straight ladies. I love them all but I am puzzled as to why they follow my blog because I often write about my life as a gay man. I also have a significant follow of older gay men (I don't include you in the "older" category). One group that doesn't follow me at all are younger (in their 30's) gay men and definitely not any gay men younger than 30, not that I would want them following me anyway.

      I got a charge too out of one of the son of the "older, married man" who seduced me. He actually said "We always wondered if dad was gay." Hey, he sure was gay with me. He couldn't wait to get me into bed every time he visited me on the sly from his family. Sex was all one sided until he introduced me to a "69". I thought for sure a lightening bolt would come out of Heaven and strike me dead but instead, it was just like riding a bicycle, it all came so "natural." Having sex with him was the first time in my life that I ever had an orgasm while awake. I was 21 years old. Looking back on it now, it was a "spastic" orgasm but totally different than a wet dream. You might say I was a "late comer." Of course I'm writing this assuming non of my straight female following reads my replies to comments. If they do, then they're in for a shock.

      Someday Jon I'll write THAT BOOK (as you should too) and really spill all the beans. I may not have movie stars in my history but I have plenty of shockers none the less. LIfe is indeed stranger than fiction.

      Ron

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  8. Ron,

    When are you going to get back to writing that book? You know time is growing shorter for us.

    Like you, when I had my first nocturnal omission it scared me half to death. In fact, I thought maybe I was dying. Why did i have pus coming out down there? I went in the bathroom and washed it out of my PJs and then buried them deep in the clothes hamper. I never said a word about it to anyone. I thought I had some horrible disease. I didn't have a clue of what was going on. I think I was around 12. I didn't learn about masturbation until I was 15 and quite by accident. I had erections before that of course and I knew doing certain things made it feel good, but I had never actually stroked it or anything like that. I was taking a bath one day and soaping myself up and suddenly it really felt great rubbing that area and I just kept washing until...kaboom!

    After that i could connect a lot of dots, because I always got erect looking at girls and pictures in those magazines that I started stealing from Sam Charles' newsstand and I wondered why it felt so tingly when it happened. You are right about no one talking about sex then. I only knew where babies came from because I once embarrassed my mom in public by pointing at a pregnant woman and yelling, "Look at that fat lady!" She decided to educate me so I wouldn't do that again.

    Kids today know more by grade school then we knew when we graduated high school, I think.

    Lar

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    1. Lar,

      I really should start writing that book. I keep putting it off because I don't know where to start. I should just "start" anywhere and see where my writing leads me, much like the way I write my blog.

      You know you were the one who started me on the "birds and bees." When you told me how babies were made, I just couldn't believe they were "made" by my father "peeing into" my Mother! That information that you departed to me while we were resting from our bicycle ride up Chestnut Street towards Boot Road stunned me. It took me a while to process that information, especially the part where I would never see the storks coming in for a landing at the Chester County Hospital. Remember the layout of the hospital? There was actually a flat "landing area" where they could com in. I believed it!

      As far as the wet dreams, I don't know who clued me into the fact that I didn't have some horrible disease after my first wet dream. I did the same thing you did, I buried my "sticky" underpants way deep in the family clothes hamper, hoping no one would discover my "disease."

      As far as masturbation, it took me a while to "connect the dots" with getting an arousal by looking at guys either in person or in magazines (no Internet porn videos in those days). I never got the "stroking bit" until Bill told me about it. Much like the discovery of the wheel, one has to be shown before one understands how it works. But don't worry, I quickly made up for "lost time." In fact these days "self entertainment" is one of the few pleasures I have left in my dotage. That's why I was so concerned with my prostate cancer treatments. By the way, I'm happy to announce that everything is (almost) back in perfect working order. Thank God.

      Ron

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  9. I think my first real crush was my best friend, David Lee. Turns out he WAS gay, though he repelled my fumbling advances when we were in 6th, 7th, and 8th grade together. I saw him once in college, and then again many years later, when he came out to me. I was heartbroken because he was with his husband. We actually rekindled the friendship, visited quite a lot, and I actually stayed with him for a few weeks while I was house hunting in SC back in 1999. Sadly, he passed away from complications related to HIV/AIDS, about 6 years ago, at 48 years old.

    Peace <3
    Jay

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    1. Jay,

      You had more courage than I did at that young age. I would never made an advance fumbling or otherwise. My second big crush, which I didn't write about in my blog because he is still around and a friend, I found out at our 35th reunion was a bisexual. As much as I wanted to "make it" with him when we were in high school, when I had the opportunity 35 years later, it was just too late. Not for him, he was still very interested but I lost any sexual interest in him although I do want to keep his friendship because he's a nice guy and fun to be with. We click. I wonder what would have happened if I made a sexual advance to him when we were in high school. I'll have to ask him sometime.

      Thanks for sharing your experience.

      Ron

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  10. Just one more input here. I do believe my first crush was with a new boy to my grade school when I was in grade 6. They moved to Toronto from Vancouver - but originally from England. The accent just added to the charm. The thing was - he befriended me - and our families were opposite ends of the economic scale his father being a vice president of a tobacco firm. It was a strange mixture of ecstasy and emptiness all combined. I've never lost fondness for this individual and have even sent the odd Christmas card just to say "hello". And if I might add - my experience still is flush with crushes which I find are small medium or big. And they can still affect me as I did when I was a boy. Well, at least they help me keep slim.

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    1. Pat,

      I wonder what our experience would have been if we were in school together. When I was young I was very susceptible to crushes. Unfortunately, I've become hardened (burned too many times) and I am not so vulnerable these days. Probably to the good. However, occasionally I do meet someone who causes me to wonder.

      Ron

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