This morning I completed my long delayed prostate biopsy procedure. Oh yeah, I feel like I've been rode long hard.
Folks, this is NOT a pleasant procedure. Damn, My ass is still sore. I feel like someone put a broom handle up my rectum and rotor-rooted my butt. I'm sitting here now typing this whiny missive with a Kotex like swap between my butt cheeks. Ah yes, too much information.
So here's the blow by blow (so to speak) sequence of events this morning and my urologist's office.
My appointment was for 8:30 a.m. I arrived at 7:30 a.m. I was immediately informed by the receptionist that my doctor had an emergency and would be at least a half an hour late. Oh joy. And I did want to get this THING over with.
Bill (yes, he was with me this time) and I settled down in the waiting room. Bill had his book and I had my iPhone, to update my Facebook followers. After all, I AM obligated to tell one and all "how do you feel?" in my Facebook status box.
At 8:15 a.m. one of the young ladies in the office steps into the waiting room and asks "Ronald Tipton?" Uh oh, the dreaded "Ronald". Either I'm in trouble with my Mother or I have a medical appointment.
I identify myself and obediently follow her to her office. She takes my blood pressure. 130 over 70. Okay so far.
So I sit, contemplating my fate. I take a couple of pictures of my sad self and post them to my Facebook account informing my loyal followers (and some not so loyal, the ones I constantly annoy because I'm an unapologetic progressive) that I AM STILL WAITING.
Then another young lady (where are the MEN assistants? WTF?) asks me to REMOVE EVERYTHING BELOW MY WAIST. Well, there's a request that I don't get every day.
She indicates a sheet and says "Put that around your waist. The doctor will see you shortly."
|My very own biopsy kit|
I did as I was instructed and removed my jeans and my underwear (don't get excited now). I wrap the sheet around me and wait. And wait. And wait. Feeling like a fool sitting in a chair fully clothed waist up and holding a sheet waist down.
Another 15 or 20 minutes rolls by. Then the young lady (again, where are the young males? Just asking) tells me to get up on the table and put my feet in the stirrups. What? I'm having a baby?
She looks under the sheet and tells me to "scoot down a bit". Uh huh, just what I always wanted to do on a snow mixed with rain and a little bit of sleet Monday morning, scoot my bare butt with my family jewels in full display before a strange young woman that I was never even properly introduced to. Now if it was a man....well, I won't go there now. I'll continue this narrative. It gets better.
So I scoot down several more times until everything is properly displayed. I'm wondering if I should rearrange my jewels to as to provide an unobstructed view but she says nothing so I say nothing. Best left unsaid I say.
Then she leaves me....in the stirrups.......properly displayed. Now I'm ready for the
The doctor comes in. Much too cheerily he says "Good morning Mr. Tipton! How are you?" My first impulse it to say "F--k you, let get this over with" buy my professional persona kicked in (as it often does when my full genitalia, plus my anus, is on display for one and all)
He explains to me that I will "feel a little pressure and a pinch" but to just relax. Oh yes, I've heard that "just relax" before but under difference circumstances but we won't go there either at this time.
He turns around and takes the
Okay, here we go. I've been waiting a year for this. Finally, I'm getting it over with. Everbody and everything is in position and he slowly slides the
|Torquemada - The Grand Inquisitor|
Then he tells me I'm going to feel twelve pinches and just to relax. There he goes with that relax request again. Sort of hard to relax when I have a staple gun up my ass.
And then it happens. "Boom!" OUCH! I couldn't help but to let out a little pitiful grunt. Ron you big sissy! Be a man! Then he did it again! Two down and ten to go. Chrissake, that damn thing hurts!
Torguemada continues. He gets to six "Booms!" and says "We're half way there!" but I'm thinking of telling him anything he wants to know including all the secrets that I was debriefed on during my Army stint the National Security Agency fifty years ago. "Stop! I'll tell you everything!"
Ron, you can do this. I grimace and groan, and grunt while
Finally it's done. Thank you Jesus (and I'm not even religious).
The young lady of whom I now have no secrets asked me "Are you feeling lightheaded?" Is the Pope German? YES! I feel like I'm f--cking going to faint! My God.
Feeling like Ned Beatty in "Deliverence" after the good old boys had their way with him, "Are you feeling lightheaded." Hey, I was just rode long and hard....YES, I'm feeling light headed!
She gives me a wet,cool towel to put on my woozy brow. That helps a little bit. Mind you, I'm still on full display when I feel something warm running down my buttocks. "Am I bleeding?" I ask. "Yes but not too bad." Well okay, maybe I'm not bleeding BUCKETS OF BLOOD but I am BLEEDING. Damn.
She leaves there, in my having a baby position, dripping blood in a pan. Hey folks, it just doesn't get any better than this does it? WHAT did I do to DESERVE this? I'll tell you what, I got old. All those times I used to make fun of my Mother and all her doctor's appointments and procedures. Karma really is a bitch.
After a few minutes the Young Lady From Whom I Have No Secrets returns and tells me I can clean up in the side bathroom. She hands me a Kotex-like gauze pad and says "you can stick this between your butt cheeks after you clean up." Oh if my friends could see me now. I'm come a long way from Ron Tipton, Trust Operations Manger, Mellon Bank, Philadelphia, PA. Yes indeedy.
Gathering my pants and underwear, I waddle over to said side bathroom to clean myself up. That means using multiple paper towels to dab the blood coming out of my ass until there is no more. Oh yes, I am still sore as hell. Rode long and hard, that's the only explanation that I can think of to describe my condition now.
Cleaned up, I go back out into the office and sit gingerly on the chair and await further instructions.
The doctor comes in and tells me the camera doesn't show any sign of cancer but then he said "it never does." Well.....okay. He said he will send the specimens out for a biopsy and to stop at the front desk to make an appointment to see him for the results. Oh yeah, he also told me I would be peeing blood, excreting blood and even have blood in my semen for the next two weeks. It just doesn't get any better than this does it folks?
He then makes a funny by telling me that no one ever thanks him in his line of business. Ha ha.
I try to walk normally, without much success, to the front office to make my appointment. Made the appointment for February 15th. That's when I'll know the results of this morning's
|Bubba awaits his new "roomie"|
Bill drove me home. I was still feeling like I spent my
So here I sit now, still sore but not quite as sore as earlier this morning. I just had my first pee and thank God, NO BLOOD.
I survived folks, I survived. Next!
By the way folks, if you were expecting to see pictures of me in the stirrups, dream on. I'm revealing but not THAT revealing.