Saturday, October 20, 2012

The Black Dog Returns

The "Black Dog"

Yep, he's back.  The Black Dog has arrived at my doorstep again.  I don't know what brought him here this time.  Today was a beautiful fall day.  Bill and I aren't fighting.  My mortgage is paid off.  No one is sick in my immediate family.  I just had a wonderful week of vacation.  But the Black Dog is back.

How do I know?  I know because the usual things I find interesting and do aren't holding my interest now.  Normally I can sit at my computer for hours updating photos of cemetery headstones to my Find a Grave account.   I've been doing that today but it is boring me.

Shadow of me at St. Peter's Episcopal Church Cemetery Lewes, DE


When I am sitting at my computer updating my Find a Grave account, reading other blogs, or just catching up on my e-mail I usually have the TV on at the same time listening to previously recorded show on THAT liberal station MSNBC.  I can listen to Rachel, Chris, Ed, Reverend Al and Lawrence for hours on end and never get bored or anxious.  I'm bored and anxious now.

Maybe it's because of a foreboding that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan might actually be elected president and vice president.  Maybe it's the knowledge that there are enough stupid people or "low information voters" in this country that they will actually believe their lies and vote against their own interests.  Maybe that's why I'm depressed.

Maybe it's because I have found the gay community in the Rehoboth/Lewes/Milton area wide but shallow.  I've lived here for six years now and the only true friends I've made are straight.  Seems the gays I meet either want to have a relationship or they just aren't interested in having an old gay man as a friend.  Of course I've always had trouble making "just friends" with gay men.  Almost all gay men I've met think if you're friendly with them it means sex.  I've always had that problem with making gay friends.  So be it.  I actually would rather be alone tonight instead of attending a drag show where yet another female impersonator is doing Judy or Liza.  God, can't they come up with someone different?

When I used to vacation in Provincetown in the Eighties the female impersonators were doing Judy and Liza.  And what's with the female impersonators anyway?  Haven't we moved past THAT gay community? Oh I understand the straight tourists like the show but isn't this a like having black people do a minstrel show for the white folk?  But I digress.

Lovely, just lovely


Maybe it's because of my never ending visits to doctors and dermatologists.  I would like to get off of that treadmill. I'm turning into my parents at the end of their life for Christ's sake.

Whatever it is, I hope this dark cloud passes over my head soon.  I think I'll watch a couple episodes of "Six Feet Under."  That crew always lifts my spirits.




16 comments:

  1. Randy in NEB.10:30 PM

    Ron, Sorry you are in a blue funk or as you called it, visited by the black dog. Try not to let other people affect your mood. When I was younger I smiled all the time, now not so much. I guess that's life catching up. If I lived closer I'd give you a hug. That's it just a hug. A saying I heard that I like to live by: friends hug, good friends hug longer.

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    1. Randy,

      Dr. Spo hit exactly on the source of my depressed state. I have this sense of foreboding that Romney and Ryan can actually be elected president and vice president of the United States. It is so depressing to me that so many people who vote against their own interests and vote for two blatantly deceptive men as these two. We're done for if these two get in.

      Ron

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  2. Replies
    1. Love you Anne Marie!

      Ron

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  3. That's worrying, Ron - but not nearly as bad as it is for you.
    How about trying to tame that 'black dog' by tickling its tummy - or will that encourage it o stay? (I know that doesn't make much sense. I'm just thinking aloud!)

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  4. Maybe it's because of a foreboding that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan might actually be elected president and vice president. Maybe it's the knowledge that there are enough stupid people or "low information voters" in this country that they will actually believe their lies and vote against their own interests. Maybe that's why I'm depressed.
    - this is what is bringing me down; so I can relate.

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    1. Dr. Spo,

      Want to know something? You are EXACTLY right. I do have this sense of foreboding that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan might actually be elected president and vice president. It is so depressing to me that so many people would vote against their own interests and vote for these two men who are so blatantly deceptive. This is exactly what is bringing me down, exactly. I will feel much better when this election is over and Obama is reelected and Romney disappears into history as just another losing presidential candidate. You understand me so well.

      Ron

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  5. I hope you feel better on this beautiful sunday morning. (It is OK once in a while to re-acess our values, ideas... and feel sad; tomorrow will be another day).

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    1. Nadege,

      Yes, I do feel better this beautiful Sunday. You are exactly right, one in a while we do have to re-access our values. Sort of like rebooting ourselves. Thank you for your kind wishes.

      Ron

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  6. Ron,

    Well, I still here wishing you a better tomorrow.

    Lar

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    1. Lar

      Talking to you on FaceTime is always the highlight of my day. Even though we have different political views we can still be friends. That is one of the measures of a true friendship. Thank you for being my friend, through thick and thin and all the past sixty years or so.

      Ron

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  7. sometimes i can be aware that i "have it all", and yet still be down. then i realize that it could be because i "have it all" that i am down. because the one thing i am usually forgetting is "community". there is a wonderful doc on netflix called "happy" that explores what makes people happy, and the overarching ingredient is community. what i read in your post is that you don't have that. even in your house bill is usually in another room from you. i have come to realize that depression can include loneliness, but they are not always intertwined. sometimes i am just affected by loneliness, and that is different than depression. to me, you don't sound depressed, you sound lonely. my two cents...

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    1. Tony,
      You know, I think you're right, I am lonely. I think I've been in denial.

      Ron

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    2. well, maybe it's denial, ron, but most people just lump everything into depression. here is the difference. depression is an overarching effect--we often don't have the enthusiasm for ANYthing, whereas loneliness strikes at times. with me, i notice that i most affected by it when i am out among people by myself. at home, i don't usually notice it because at home i am not constantly reminded of being alone. in the world, i often am. i am working on it. building community today is much harder than it used to be. there are less and less organizations for social interaction, as everyone relies on those damn phones for everything! why join a club when you can access 1500 on fb through your phone? when i notice that i have too much difficulty making social contacts, i will usually check myself to see if i am really open enough that people will want to come in. i have some great book titles on the subject if you are interested. let me know and i will email you.

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    3. Tony,

      I think you are exactly right, I've confused depression with loneliness. I am lonely, but I don't like to admit it. This is a subject I will delve into my next blog posting.

      Thank you,

      Ron

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