That is the universal question we have all had at one time or another in our lives. I would like to believe that there is a Heaven. However, my common sense tells me that there is no Heaven. I think that when we die, when our bodies cease to function, when the emptiness of death replaces the life that is in our faces; on that day there is nothing. That when we die, our soul or whatever life force that inhabited our bodies for all the years we were alive; that spirit disperses into the endless vastness of eternity.
Of course it is nice to contemplate that some great reward awaits us for enduring this existence on earth. I want to believe that there was a reason for my existence. That my life had some purpose. I mean no offense to my friends who find comfort in religion but for me, I find the religious propaganda line that we exist for the "glory of God" and to "accept Jesus Christ" a fairy tale invented by man to control other men. I've always believed that. Even down to the point were Christians always refer to God as "the Lord" as in medieval times when real lords presided over serfs and justified their treatment of serfs with a promise of a better afterlife. Sorry folks, I don't accept the precepts of any "man made" religion at all with perhaps the exception of what little I know about Buddhism. Some of that eastern religion at least makes sense to me, some of it.
We've all heard of the near death experiences in which an all enveloping bright light welcomes us into unconditional love. Now THAT makes a lot of sense to me and I would like to believe that is what happens when we cease to exist in our human form. Oh how I would LOVE for that to be our Great Reward for enduring this existence on earth. When I think of unconditional love it is not something I associates with my fellow human beings. Oh sure, we make friends during our lifetimes and even a few of us are fortunate in that we find someone we love during our human existence. But let's be realistic, no matter how great the love or friendship, don't they all have conditions? Sure they do. The only "unconditional love" I know of is the love that we receive from our pets, specifically a dog. Isn't it ironic then that "dog" spelled backwards is "God?" When you look into a dog's eyes don't you see unconditional love? I do. Cats are good pets too but none of us can claim to look into a cat's eyes and see unconditional love returned to us, only a dog's eyes are capable of communicating that feeling.
At this time of my life, when I am rapidly approaching the end of this train ride called "My Life", I often think of what if anything awaits me when I enter my Eternal Sleep. I know what I want to happen. I want to see my pets again. With them, during my life I did experience unconditional love. I would like to see my mother and father again. I would like to see my friends like Ron and Sal, my two Army buddies (Sal was in the Air Force actually but I met him when I was in the Army). I would LOVE to meet my grandmothers, who I never knew when I was alive. I also never knew my paternal grandfather; he died two years before I as born. I bear a striking resemblance to him. I am curious if our personalities are similar. I also would like to meet all of my grandfathers, maybe there was a gay one (or two) back there during the eons that it took to produce me in November of 1941.
The way I see it, when I die it's all good. Even if there is nothing and all is a void then I do have eternal peace. As much as I enjoy life now and don't want to leave just yet, I do look forward to the day when all this comes to an end. To me life is a constant serious of tribulations of just getting through. Recently I have been somewhat depressed over the fact that two heartless frauds might actually be elected president and vice president of this country. It is depressing enough that Romney and Ryan could actually be elected despite their obvious and blatant deceit and selfishness but what is even more depressing is that so many of my fellow human beings would believe their deceit.
My life as is most others, has been one of survival. At this time of my life I am barely surviving. I just manage to pay my bills. My weeks are punctuated with more frequent doctor's appointments to repair this 71 year old body so I can last a few more years on this earth. Because of my old age, I am increasingly relegated to the corner of the room reserved for Senior Citizens, an object of irrevelence good only for whatever money or possessions that can be squeezed out of me before I pass on.
Don't get me wrong, I've had a good life. I haven't had to endure too many hardships. In fact, for the most part I've had a good life in spite of the fact that I was born gay and lived most of my life the object of discrimination, hate, and danger. I've had an easier time of it than most in my situation which I attribute to luck and my survival skills. Life to me has been one of dodging potential pitfalls and trying to extract some measure of happiness out of it.
I've enjoyed most of my life but I can't say I've been deliriously happy all my years. Oh sure, there were a few times when I was actually deliriously happy. I can remember each one of the instances. They were brief and they were with my amour of the moment, which was always another man. Unlike the fellow in the video at the beginning of this post, if there is a heaven and I am met by my guardian angel, he better be a man.