Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Alone

Waiting for the American Legion van this morning


This morning is one of those few times that I am alone.  I just got back from dropping Bill off for his ride to the VA Medical Center in Wilmington.  The American Legion Post 28 provides free van rides Monday through Thursday for any of us vets here in southern Delaware to the Wilmington VAMC.

Now I am alone, for a while.  I often complain to Bill that I never have time alone. Bill is always here.  Bill is a real homebody.  Ever since I asked him to retire early from his job as an electronics technician from General Electric, twenty eights years ago in 1984, he has been at home...always.

I've written about this before in previous blog postings.  The first time Bill read it he said his feelings got hurt.  I didn't mean to hurt his feelings but he is ALWAYS HERE.  He just doesn't like to go anywhere.  He loves his home.

While I love Bill's company, sometimes I just like to have a little space to myself.  In fact this is the number one reason why we fight.  Yes, we do fight.  What couples don't?  With the exception of Ronald and Nancy Reagan, ALL couples fight.

So this morning I will have a taste of what it is like to be alone.  You know what?  I don't like it.

When I drove into our development I saw my neighbor Don's garage door open.  Don's partner Al died seven months ago.  Al and Don were together forty years.  Now Don is alone ALL of the time.  While Don and I are no longer friends (another story for another blog), I feel bad for Don.  Forty years is a LONG time to be with somebody.  Then to lose one's life partner after forty years has to be traumatic.  I can't imagine.

I was alone for about a year in my life.  I grew up in a family of five. I had two brothers.  Then after school I was in the Army and I had plenty of company for three years.  The time I was alone was from 1964 to 1965.  The year after I got out of the Army until I met Bill and moved in with him in February 1965.

That was one year I was alone.  I didn't like it.  Nope, I didn't like it one bit.  I was lonely.  I lived in my one bedroom efficiency apartment in Coatesville, PA.  I'm not ashamed to tell you that there were time I got very depressed.  The solo life doesn't work for me.


Bill getting in the American Legion van - leaving me alone

12 comments:

  1. I've been alone before, but I have seldom been lonely--there is a distinction. And i don't mind being alone at all, but I'd much rather have Carlos around, all the time.
    Quite a dichotomy.

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    1. You understand Bob. It is quite a dichotomy. I too like my time alone but I can't imagine life without Bill. I can never replace him, which is what I worry about. I would never go into another relationship except with a cat or a dog. I have a few more hours alone this morning before Bill calls me to pick him up from his return from the Wilmington VA. I do enjoy this time alone but it is also good to have Bill around again.

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  2. When I think about it I have been more often with others than alone. I am quite content to be 'alone'; I worry about this sometimes as I can be quite the hermit-introvert. I could go days without seeing anybody.
    In solitude we are least alone, they say.

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    1. Dr. Spo,

      I am content to be 'alone' also but like you I do worry that I could become a hermit. A good friend of mine, who lives alone, explained to me why he eats out often (alone.) He said if he doesn't he would turn into a hermit. I understood him so well.

      Ron

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  3. I don't like it either! Now you see why I keep adopting children. I'm increasing my odds that someone will stay with me.
    m.

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    1. Mark,

      I can understand having children and I admire you and Fred for taking on that responsibility and providing a wonderful life full of opportunities for your delightful children. Only problem, I don't have the patience that you and Fred have in dealing with all that drama and stress. That is where I am lacking big time. You will never be lonely Mark. You have too many friends who admire and respect you.

      Ron

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  4. Ron,

    What you have described is what we used to call "Having spaces in your togetherness." It is necessary for each of you to recharge in whatever way you individually do so that you come back together better able to help each other. What joy to know that your Bill chooses to be at home, not because he is afraid of and hiding from the world, but because home is a good place. What a comfort it must be to you, to know that whatever (mis)adventures the day brings, you are welcomed back home.

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    1. Willl,

      You got it exactly right, Bill isn't afraid of the world. In fact he loves getting out and interacting. But he does love his home. We have made a very comfortable home. Back in 1980, when we came the closest to splitting up, I remember clearly what he said that won me over. He said "Please come back and make this a home again." That sentiment touched my heart and I understood what he meant. Bill is the only person in the world who appreciates me and understands me. No one else does. Bill is the only person in this world who can/will put up with me. I'm not easy to live with Will. I can't imagine my life without Bill.

      Ron

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  5. anne marie in philly7:12 PM

    awwwwwwww, you're still in love with bill!

    smooches to you both!

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  6. I will always love Bill Anne Marie. Ours is a true love, not based on lust. That kind of love is the lasting love. Thanks for your good wishes.

    Ron

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  7. ron, i have been alone for MOST of my life, unlike you. because of that, i have grown to love it, and i have a very hard time imagining wanting someone around in the apartment other than me. in fact, at this point, i doubt i will ever live with anyone again, unless it is my best friend dave, when we are old and want companionship. but i do like dr. spo's comment that when we are in solitude we are least alone--i feel that. often times i feel very alone in groups. for me, it is alone, or one on one that i prefer. good that you get to experience a contrast once in a while from bill always being there. -tony

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    1. Tony,

      There are times when I would just like a week alone. I don't think I've ever had that time alone at any of our homes. The only time I was truly alone was when I rented an apartment in center city Philadelphia for a year because our house wasn't finished. However, I had to leave the apartment before my lease was up because Bill was too lonely in our finished house and wanted me to move in with him and "make it a home." Thus, the only time in our 48 years together I had a taste of the solitary life. I liked it. I don't know if I will like the solitary life though if Bill dies before I do. I don't think so. But I won't live with anyone else, I'm pretty sure of that.

      Thanks for your comment. Always good to hear from you Tony. I was just thinking of you.

      Ron

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