Sunday, April 24, 2011

Preparation Eve

Wheel me in!

"Preparation Eve" refers to the fact that tomorrow I begin preparation for my colonoscopy that is to take place 10 a.m., Tuesday, April 26th.  

Even this is my FOURTH time around, I am dreading it.  The "it" isn't the colonoscopy itself, that's a breeze.  The "it" I'm talking about is the PREPARATION the day before.  Anyone who has ever gone through this 'clean out' procedure knows whereof I speak.  I HATE IT. 

Here is the list of why I hate the Prep:

  • I starve for a day - no food after 10 am of the day before the procedure.  Oh, I can 'eat' clear chicken broth (ever "eat" chicken broth) and drink clear liquids like clear grape juice.  "Clear"is the operative word here.  Of course everything I drink is colored purple (grape juice) or brown (iced tea).  As a special 'treat' I can have Jello.  Big  whoop!  I hate Jello. Jello reminds of hospitals.  Even so, I made up a batch of lime Jello.  Can't wait until I have that for 'dinner' tomorrow washed down with white grape juice. Yum.
  • I have to drink this awful liquid - this liquid is different from what I had to drink before but somehow I doubt if it is any better tasting.  All I know is that by the time I'm halfway through my allotted drinking, I feel like a blow fish and I have liquid coming out both ends.  Towards the end (no pun intended) I can hardly make it to the bathroom after I down the glass of that vile concoction.
  • I have to dress in a smock with an open back - this actually isn't too bad because I'm knocked out before I really have a chance to be embarrassed by exposing my ass cheeks to one and all at the clinic who prepare me for the dastardly necessary deed.
Here are the good reasons:

  • I have a family history of colon cancer - my uncle Sam and cousin Jeffery waited until it was too late because they "didn't want anybody sticking a tube up their ass" (quoting my uncle Sam). They are not here now.  
  • Chances of decking colon cancer early are good. My good friend (and former boss) regularly gets a colonoscopy. Five years ago during a routine colonoscopy cancer was discovered.  He had an operation that saved his life.  His doctor told him if he had waited until the symptoms showed he would probably be dead now.  
  • I have a predisposition to developing polyps.  During my last colonoscopy they discovered two polyps.  I was lucky, they were not malignant.  If I had waited I could have had a different, deadly outcome.
  • You get a legal 'high'. Getting knocked out is actually fun. You're talking one second and the next second they're telling you to fart out the air in your stomach.  WHAT?  You're done already? So this is what it's like to get high? Not that I would know. 
  • I get to live longer.  If cancer is discovered an operation can be performed to remove the cancer and my chances of living a long and productive (and blogging) life are greatly increased.
So here we go folks.  My last night as a 'normal' person.  Starve Time tomorrow.  I've already warned Bill that I will not be a pleasant teddy to be around.  He told me he will stay clear.  

To read about someone else's colonoscopy 'adventure', read the Dallas Maverick's owner Mark Cuban's experience which he posted on his blog.  Click here.

"Be gentle Doc"


  1. I've had 3 and hated them all. Prep is far worse than the procedure, you're right. Good luck with it.

  2. Cubby,

    I cannot stress how much I am DREADING tomorrow. Breakfast at 8 am. Then nothing until the evening when I start drinking that vile liquid then start the 'runs'. Tuesday morning will be even worse. They never get any easier.

  3. Anonymous9:53 PM

    I wanted to smack a friend upside of the head with the "you will lose 5 pounds" it didnt work that way trust me.

    But as you pointed out the potential benefits outweigh the prep.

  4. Ron I really appreciate your humor and your ease of talking about such important issues. Although my family is not plagued with colon cancer we are with breast cancer and I find it important to talk about getting checked early and frequently until i'm blue in the face. Early detection of all cancers is so important.

    Would it make you feel fuller to say you're having consumme instead of broth. I also get to go to "sleep" on friday for some dental work and i'm soooo looking forward to it!

  5. 3rdnlong,
    I've been trying to lose a pesky three pounds but this is a helluva way to do it. Right after my procedure I'm pigging out on an Eggplant Parm at the Rehoboth Diner.

  6. paradykes,
    I cannot stress enough the importance of cancer screenings. My Mom had breast cancer several times during her lifetime, beginning when was in her forties. She died last year at 86 years old and it was not from breast cancer. When my uncle and cousin both died of colon cancer because they didn't want to 'bother' getting a colonoscopy, that's what convinced me. The way and manner in which they died was so much worse for these two proud men than the inconvenience and 'embarrassment' of a colonoscopy would have been. And then the fact that my friend (only a year younger than me) whose life was saved by having a routine colonoscopy. I learned my lesson well. So I'm inconvenienced tomorrow, so what? Getting knocked out on Tuesday is a guilty pleasure.

  7. nevertheless I am glad you are being a sensible patient.

  8. You are right, right, right. I had my first last year. My grandfather died young from colon cancer, which I only found out recently (I had always thought he died from something else).

    The prep is not pleasant, that's true. But the hospital part was actually kind of interesting. It's probably the drugs. Everyone was very nice. And they served me a huge meal in bed afterward! This is France, after all. :)

  9. You're just too-too funny. You make good light of an important procedure! Cuban's blog is a scream!

  10. Oh Ron, as a newcomer to your blog I wasn't aware of this aspect of your life. I do fervently hope the prep this time isn't as unpleasant as you're expecting it to be, though I know that that's easy for me to say. In situations like this I always repeat "The time between now and when it will all be over is only the same as the time between now and when I was... (whatever activity I was doing then)" - And it always gets smaller!
    But I do look forward to when you can say to us "At least that's over with!" Thinking of you, my friend.

    Btw; In reply to your question replying to my comment on Prince Harry, yes, I am and have always been a proud Brit - and European too! (though the latter is not something many other Brits would assert, with their inbred suspicion of foreigners.) I suppose you ask because of my surname? Portuguese origins, slightly modified. If you're really interested can give you more details another time.
    Meanwhile, good luck once again on your upcoming, unwished-for, experience.

  11. Good Luck, Ron.
    It will be over before you know it. Yeah, I know, an entire day of broth and jello doesn't sound fun at all. But I hear this is how porn stars prep for their jobs if that makes you feel any better.
    Take care.

  12. Not fun...had it once...forget it! And I wasn't even knocked out...I didn't know they put you under for that nowadays. Maybe mine wasn't as invasive...but I remember the preparation was awful

  13. It's time! Good luck, Ron!

  14. Anonymous9:26 AM

    When my 'brother-in-law' had his first colonoscopy, he reported that the doctor allowed that they'd come a long way as far as the 'probe' is concerned. He said at the beginning, the device resembled "a Saint Louis Slugger [baseball bat] with a flashlight duct-taped to it". Now THAT's an image to contemplate. As far as the 'legal high' is concerned, that's the part I personally disliked the most: God only knows what doctors have heard people say while they're under the influence during this procedure. I don't want to think about it.

  15. Good luck tomorrow Ron. I know what you speak of regarding the "preparation."
    I love the new header pic. Reminds me of Cedar Key down in Florida.

  16. Mark,

    Now there is SOME NEWS that I didn't know. I wondered how those porn stars avoided crapping all over the place when they had all manner of things stuffed up their anal regions. Thanks for the info. Never to late to learn some new 'facts."

  17. Rick,

    Getting "knocked out" is the best part of the whole procedure. It almost makes it worth it (aside from the possibility of saving my life that is). I'm about to drink that liquid. I feel like the Clock of Doom is ticking.

  18. Stan,

    Glad you like the new header picture. I took that picture last week of the Rehoboth-Lewes Canal about an hour before sunset at the hotel where I work in Lewes, DE. I took it with my iPhone which is rapidly becoming my Camera of Choice.

  19. Dr. Spo,

    Excellent advice as usual! Thank you.

  20. Walt,

    After the procedure Bill is going to drive me to the Rehoboth Diner and I'm treating myself to a BIG dish of Eggplant Parmesan which is THEE place in Rehoboth/Lewes/Milton for my FAVORITE DISH.

  21. Don,

    Thanks. I think I'm a funny guy. I'm glad you see it if no one else does. I amuse myself all the time. :)

  22. Raybeard,

    When I'm going through something bad or unpleasant I put into my head "Just get though it Ron, what's the worst that could happen? Will it kill you?" That's the way I've gotten through all the bad parts of my life. So far, so good.

    A 'proud Brit' of 'Portuguese origins' ? I think more explanation is needed here Ray. :)My last encounters with men of Portuguese extraction was in Cape Cod (Provincetown). I might add that it was not an unpleasant 'encounter' either.

  23. Thank you Tai! I'm looking forward to being knocked out. That's fun.My one "high" every five years.

  24. domanidave,

    I didn't even think about that! Well, I have nothing to hide. I know I talk in my sleep. I was told that when I was in the Army. That was the time I would have left the cat out of the bag since I was in the closet BIG TIME (NSA- Top Secret Clearance - periodic purges of gays) at that time. I'm out now so I don't care what I say. Not a concern of mine. This vile liquid that I have to ingest is my concern.


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