Sunday, March 27, 2011

Number Two Saga


Well folks, I passed the test!  My friend JeBblend.  Sounds sexy doesn't it?  Well, it is not.  Let me tell you what Herbal Fiber Blend is.  It is a ground up concoction of weeds (basically) that we mix with water and take twenty minutes before eating in the morning and the evening so as to create a torpedo stool to relive our constipation.  Hey, I told you it wasn't sexy...unless you're into that kind of thing (which I am definitely NOT).

For years Jeff and I suffered chronic constipation.  Then, about fifteen years ago Jeff found this concoction sold by the AIM Companies that 'guaranteed' relief from chronic constipation.  First thing I thought was "Sure, sure."  Both Jeff and I had brought the over the counter constipation relief medications (?) over the years like Metamucil.  The only thing that ever worked for us was Ex-Lax.  I didn't want to spend a life addicted to Ex-Lax like my father.  When he went to the bathroom he exploded.  Ah yes, what a mess that was.  Of course he never cleaned it up.  So, we would seek relief from our 'bound' condition with Ex-Lax and the such, all the while looking for a life changer for our bowel movements.  Starting to wonder if you should continue to read this post?  Remember, I warned you...NOT A SEXY POST.

The only catch to the Herbal Fiber Blend constipation relief medicine was the expense.  It costs $40 a container.  You put those containers on the store shelves at that cost and no matter how well it works NOBODY is going to buy it.  That's why we have to order it by mail.

Your every day grocery shopper just doesn't put out that kind of bucks for any product, let alone a popper helper. 

So, I ordered some and voilà! IT WORKED!  Still, there was the expense.  At the time I first ordered it,the cost was $36 a container.  Now it is $40.  If I ordered in bulk (no pun intended) I got a discount.  So I order in bulk.  And ever since that happy day several years ago I have been faithfully taking my ground up weeds and bark and I've been a 'regular guy.'   In fact, discovering AIM Herbal Fiberblend has probably saved my life.  Now I'm not biting off heads and during one of my extended periods of not visiting the bathroom.  

And believe me, there were days that Bill headed for the hills and he found that I hadn't gone to the bathroom that morning because he knew he was in for a rough day.  Now that I'm a 'regular guy', I'm happy..Bill is co-workers are happy (they got it too from me) and just about anyone who comes in contact with me sees a pleasant and relaxed Ron.  

So Jeff calls me this afternoon.  Remember, Jeff is losing his mental capabilities.  He called to tell me he ordered too much of the Poop Medicine (which is what we REALLY call it...actually we call it something else which is a four letter word beginning with "S" and ending with "T" but this is a family blog so I'll let the reader figure it out for him/herself).  Jeff tells me he ordered too much and would I like to have the rest of it?  WHAT?  Do I use more than he uses?  This doesn't make sense.  You take it twice a day, once in the mooring (two heaping tablespoons) and once in the evening, twenty minutes before the meal.  The stuff is GROUND UP WEEDS!  IT'S FIBER!  IT DOESN'T GO BAD!  

I patiently tell Jeff (a non de plume by the way, name changed out of respect for the privacy of my long time friend) that "No, I don't want it.  You keep it.  It doesn't go bad."  He said "I think I messed up and ordered too much."  I tell him...again..."No, it doesn't go bad.  Keep it.  In fact, when you order it in bulk (no pun intended...again), you get it cheaper."  Then he says "Oh yeah, that's probably why I ordered so much."  

So there we go folks, another episode in the continuing saga of me and my longtime friend Jeff, is is slowly sinking into dementia.  

Ironically, the first time I met Jeff was when we were both attending Army Security Agency School in Ft. Devens, Massachusetts in April of 1960.  We both kept running into each other at the Service Club bathroom. No, no, no.  Don't get the wrong idea.  Even though were both gay (and we didn't know that at that time), we were using the Service club bathrooms because they had individual stalls.  Our bathroom facilities (called latrines - remember that term your former Army guys?) back at our barracks consisted of a row IN THE OPEN of twelve toilets.  I don't know about you but when I'm doing a Number Two I want to do it in private, especially if I'm constipated.  "Going" is a big event and I want to savor that in privacy and not during a conversation with one of my fellow Army buddies who has the Sunday funnies spread out before him while he's taking his daily bowel movement (keeping with the family friendly blog here.)  

So Jeff and I kept running into each other entering the Service Club Mens' Room.  After we got to know each other better we had a good laugh at our modesty.  Over the years we always used to joke about how we 'met' the first time.  

When Jeff began to lose his mental facilities a few years ago he often forget to take his 'medicine.' As a result he got 'plugged up' again, which didn't help his mental or physical condition because when you're constipated you become very lethargic.  When I was around him I would ask him if he was taking his 'medicine.'  His answer always was 'I can't remember.'   Poor Jeff, I couldn't help him because I don't live with him. His partner 'Mutt', the one I don't like, is a former nurse.  One would think he would see to it that his long time partner got his 'medicine' on a timely basis.  That isn't happening though.  As I've said in previous blog postings, 'Mutt' is so into himself  he is capable of helping anyone else.  That's why I don't like him and why I don't visit them anymore, which is the real shame. 

But I will be forever grateful to my longtime friend 'Jeff' for introducing me to AIM Herbal Fiberblend.  Thank you 'Jeff.'  And I remember the old times when we were both 'regular' friends.


Vương Tử Trực said...

I don't know whether your constipation might be related to potatoes in your daily meals because it happened to me when I was in Australia where I usually had potatoes in basic food.

Ur-spo said...

this is now the 3rd attempt at posting a comment - it is blogger who needs the tonic!

nitewrit said...


Well, that may have been more information than I needed to know!

I still don't know why you would call it SalT Medicine, though. :)


Ron said...

It's called "The Aim Companies." They have a website. Send the money, they will deliver.

Ron said...

I knew the reason for my chronic constipation, it was a lifelong habit of not going when I had the 'urge.' After a time, the sphincter muscles don't work. I eventually had two operations that took care of the problem. Now when I get the 'urge' I HAVE TO OBEY. ;)

Ron said...

By the way Tai, I CANNOT eat rice because it binds me up. As much as I love rice (and I do), I cannot eat it. If I do I suffer for the next two or three days, bound up. The same thing happens if I eat cheese. I eat potatoes all the time (with the skins). Never a problem. The fiber in the potato skins works its way right through me.

Ron said...

As you know Lar, I put just about everything in my blog. This might be TMI to some but that's why I put the warning up front, just like they do on the news.

Don Voth said...

The Photo Booth pics are hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Hi Ron,

This blog was hilarious! It did bring one thing to mind though. When I worked in a nursing home all the old folks were preoccupied with their bowel habits. It seemed to be the first step to dementia, so beware!


Ron said...

Oh Fran I am quite aware that I am engaging in one of the preoccupations of OLD FOLK. When I was young we used to joke about old people talking about their bowel movements and visits to the doctors. Now I am one!