"The Hadfield Girls" - Mom and her older sister Grace 2005
Actually, I live closer to Lewes than I do Milton even though I have a Milton mailing address. Milton casts a wide swath, what can I say?
I didn't sleep to well last night. Thinking about Mom. I got up at 4 and was ready to leave the house at 5 for my morning walk on the boardwalk. I've been wanting to get down earlier anyway to avoid the traffic on the way back. Plus, this morning I had several errands. Haircut and a stop at the supermarket to buy more Cool Whip and Oreos. Over the weekend I made a Dirt Pie that was out of this world. It's gone now but my appetite isn't gone. I'll make another one after this blog posting so it will be nice and cold for me when I come in from my evening shift at the hotel. I do like me something sweet before I go to bed.
John called after I got home. Mom had another bad night. She's now in a bed with a railing. Actually, it's an adult crib. He said she's like a caged animal. The fear in her eyes. John said she is also hallucinating. I have to keep reminding myself this isn't her. The Mom I knew is gone.
Me and Mom 2008
Last night I talked to my cousin Jack in New Hampshire. He went through almost the same situation with his mother (who was my Mother's older sister) a few years ago. Everything was the same. The rapid decline, the hallucinating, the fear.
Jack said when his time comes, he doesn't want to go "that way." He said he doesn't want his children's last memories to be of him in a diaper, hallucinating and cursing. He said he wants his children to remember him as he is now, the "Big Daddy."
My cousin Jack (son of Grace) and me during her last visit to Mom 2005
I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say the same thought crossed my mind. If I see that the quality of my life is going downhill and I'm headed for a bedridden, diaper wearing, hallucinating state....then I will take matters in my own hands. I don't have any children and I can't see my nieces, nephew, or grand nieces or grand nephews taking care of me. I wouldn't put that burden on them. Bill is thirteen years older than me so it's not likely he will be taking care of me. He is the only one I would let take care of me. No sir, if I saw I was headed in that direction then I know what I would have to do.