Saturday, January 09, 2010

Thoughts on a Cold January Morning



The sun is out, the snow is almost gone and the cold winds still blow.  I'm debating whether of not to go out to the cemetery next door to take a couple of Find a Grave.com photo requests.  Do I want that cold wind cutting through me this morning?


Bill and I didn’t go out for breakfast this morning. We’re both feeling a little bit down.

It’s the same problem. Bill doesn’t think I pay enough attention to him so he goes into a deep funk. He gets depressed. This is his usual cycle. He will come out of it.

Basically I’m a solitary person. The oldest of three boys, I was always a loner. My two younger brothers hung around together. I was always a step or two off the side. It is interesting to look at old pictures of us together. Almost always the body language says it all. They’re a pair. I’m the odd man (boy) out.


From my earliest memory I’ve always known I was “different.” “Different” is a term my cousin Lois used to describe me when she had a conversation with me last year about her son Mickey, who she also termed “different.” She was curious to know why we were “different.” By the way, for those readers who don’t understand what is meant by “different”, she mean gay. She just can’t say the word. I told my cousin that I was always “different.” She said her son said exactly the same thing. Bingo!

Yes, I’m “different.” I always have been and always will be until I take my last breath. Trying to explain what “different” is to a straight person is usually very, very difficult. Most of them can’t help but think we “different” people have made a choice somewhere along our life. When I tell them it wasn’t a choice, many of them still can’t but help to think that I really did make a choice.

What I really get annoyed about are those self righteous religious folk who say they “tolerate” my “lifestyle” (whatever that is, please someone explain THAT to me because I’m not swinging from the chandeliers.) Then they offer me an out by suggesting I ask for forgiveness (for what?) and obey and praise Jesus Christ.

I patiently explain to these people that while I respect whatever religion people chose, don’t put their religion on me. If they get comfort from their religion then I’m very happy for them. There are so many unhappy people in the world. If one receives comfort from whatever they chose to believe then I’m all for it. But please, please don’t try to “save” me. I’m doing quite well or as well as one can be at 68 years of age with his longtime partner holed up in his basement bedroom giving me the silent treatment.

2 comments:

  1. I always felt different (in a different sense to your different... :) ) - an outsider, not really accepted by the mainstream.

    Eventually I embraced it. And I've always felt more comfortable in the company of free thinkers

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  2. Kim,

    Actually, being gay is only a part of me feeling different. It isn't the whole of my being. I've often thought about my "oneness." Not in a way that I'm special or above anybody else but that I am only here (earth) as an observer.

    I know this probably sounds crazy to most people (probably not you) but I have always felt that my life's journey has only been a way station on to something much bigger. What the "bigger" is I don't know but I do know that it isn't the conventional religion practiced by most.

    I have always had a difficult time expressing my feelings in this regard. But as I feel that I am at the end of my "journey" (not to be too morbid), I feel it is time for some evaluation of my life. That is one reason I blog. It is another reason I'm trying to get as much out there as possible about my life (in pictures mainly) before I leave. Someone down the road years hence might be interested. Maybe it will be me in a different form.

    This subject needs to be explored more. You understand. I think that's why I feel a connection to you.

    Ron

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