I don’t like working on my computer at night, when all is dark. My home office in Pennsylvania was in a basement room. I couldn't work there. Bill took out the lone window when he put up the paneling in that room. The lack of natural light depressed me. I moved my computer to a corner of my 2nd floor bedroom, next to the window. Filtered light came through the trees that surrounded our house. It was better than no light in the basement office but not as good as the early morning sunlight which I have now. I love my home office in this house. It is my retreat.
The past weekend was quiet. Bill is still shunning me. That’s his choice. Apparently that’s the way he wants to live his life. I’ll adjust my life accordingly. I tried to talk to him after “the incident” but he told me to leave him alone. I will honor his request. I'm here if he wants to resume a normal relationship. However, if he want to add me to the list of people he isn't talking too, then that is his choice. I can only live my life. I'm at the point in my life now where I don't want to and probably can't change my life to please someone else. I can only be who I am. If that isn't good enough, then so be it.
Early in the morning yesterday I took more food from my freezer to feed the sea gulls in the Wal-Mart parking lot. They were waiting for me. I quickly threw the food on the ground and tossed my Zip-Lock bags in the dumpster behind Friendly’s and got out of there fast. I didn’t want any more sea gull guacamole on my car. Now I have a new worry. A friend of mine told me that I could be arrested and led away in handcuffs for tossing ANYTHING into a dumpster. This was a crime I wasn’t aware that I was breaking. Pardon me, but I assumed that our law enforcement had more important things to worry about like, oh I don’t know, maybe robberies and murders. We have a couple unsolved murders down here in our own little Peyton Place. The two that come to mind are the Grosso murder and the Gold Gym murder. But I will take the advice of my friend and NOT toss anything in a dumpster. I have been forewarned.
Yesterday afternoon I did my taxes for last year. I was surprised to find out that I owed $638. I also owed money last year, so I increased the taxes taken out of my pay from my part-time job. I was expecting to get a refund this year. That was not to be. It’s not like I make a lot of money. I receive Social Security and have a couple of small pensions and a part time job. I now have a mortgage because of the nightmare of selling my Pennsylvania house in 2006. I’m not one of these rich gay guys, in spite of the myth that the new media likes to perpetuate. Under the law I am considered single even though I’ve been in a relationship for 45 years. In this country, if you’re single, gay or straight, you’re taxed to death. Another year and I missed out on the Bush tax cuts. And I'm not holding by breath for the tax cuts Obama promised during the election. Once these politicians get in office all they seem to care about is the very rich (Republicans) or the very poor (Democrats.) I'm just one of those schlubs who worked their whole life, trying to save for a secure retirement only to see it slowly disappear as a result of the corruption of greedy Wall Street financiers and their hand maidens, the equally corrupt politicians whose only interest is to pay off their political benefactors to stay in power.
Last night I saw a good movie that I rented from Netflix, “The Line of Beauty.” I love these BBC dramas. This one was about a working-class guy (gay) who moves in with a rich family in the 80’s during his sexual awaking and England’s political awakening. The main character was unappealing and much of the acting was uneven, but it was an interesting story nonetheless because it showed the utter depravity that some people can sink to even in surrounds of opulence and luxury. Maybe it’s better being poor. If this movie was anywhere near reality, then the rich don’t have it any better than the rest of us poor blokes.
I am watching more movies these days since I’m living here alone. Movies perform the function for which they were invented. They take me away from my everyday sadness. I hope my next movie is a comedy. I need to laugh.
I go to work today at the Inn. That will take my mind off of things a bit. Wednesday I take my Census worker qualification test. My friend Ed, who was a census worker in 2000 told me “Any idiot can pass that test.” He proved it. He passed it. Coincidentally I take the test at my workplace. That’s convenient.
Saturday and Sunday I took a walk in the development behind me. Watching the snow geese fly above me and hearing the busy chirping of the birds in the brush is very soothing. I’m like a wound up knot. Seeing the Canada geese on the retention pond relaxes me like no pill can. During these bad times I find a walk is the best medicine. I need to take one everyday.
For dinner last night I made Chicken Marabella. The aroma of the dish baking in the oven filled the house with warmth and comfort. I made enough to last me all week. I also made my signature Tarragon Potato Salad with red potatoes, red onions, celery, lime mayonnaise and LOTS of tarragon. This is a recipe I adapted from a Nage potato salad that was leftover from an Inn function. The Chicken Marabella is a recipe I discovered when a friend brought a covered dish to a house party recently. Just goes to show you it is good to get out and experience the world. When you least expect it, something good happens. That’s what keeps me going.